Archive for July 2020

TheLupusproject Project, Part 2

July 1, 2020

Originally published 4-15-14, updated in 2020.

When you ask where is God, and why won’t he fix human suffering? I would ask you the same question my great grandparents would ask their generation – where are you? Are you living your fear filled life, ignoring everything and waiting until someone comes along to fix it for you or are you doing your part too? Are you getting up every day and expending incredible amounts of energy trying to make your lies come true or are you effortlessly living your truth?

Through researching my twin diseases (Lupus/RA) I found that the first pieces of me came to what is now the US from England in the late 1600s and the last immigrant in our family came here from Germany about 1830something. Some were of the first in the Massachusetts colonies, others were early members of St Mary’s colony in Maryland. But I’m not here for that story.

Others fled peasant/farmer bullying in Germany, from near a place where I understand nearly 20,000 people or more would emigrate and leave an entire region and its capital nearly abandoned in less than a generation. Genetically, other pieces of me fought in the US Revolutionary War, War of 1812, Civil War, WWI, Korea, Vietnam and pretty much every other conflict scattered through the foreverwar history of the United States. Pieces of me went to France after WWI with the Salvation Army and their story of Christian faith would intersect in my life at a unique time.

I struggled, in the context of this disease to reconcile this back and forth taking, the conquest. Because I was being conquered I know what it is like. I am being slowly, and painfully, killed by my own body. Literally eaten alive from the inside out. This is a story of what I learned but it’s not a story unique to me.

It has been hard to write because it tells how to walk with what seems to be a cruel God. If you arrive at a judgment of what is happening to me shows the depths of some God’s indifference to suffering or some awful punishment then you would be making the wrong judgment. In reality, it is more the opposite, showing the resiliency of life itself and the danger of passing judgments on others without knowing the whole picture. It’s a reminder that when you make judgments, it takes smaller and smaller pieces of the truth to convince you things are what you believe them to be but in reality they are not. Thus deceived you take wrong actions that lead to problems not growth. It is a story of the intangible rewards achieved by rejecting the deception that says you are limited or helpless under any circumstance. It is a story that warns against the use of ever smaller pieces of the truth to paint false pictures. It is a story that dares you to live your truth, no matter what the consequences.

The wall of death – the nursing home

If I ever forget his name I will always remember his face. If he were walking in the mall or down the street, he looked just like any normal late 30ish person. But he could not walk down the street. He could not walk at all.

Sitting in a wheelchair, I had just foot dragged myself into the dining room and into a portal of living death. Silent, staring, medicated. The ones with eyes that still looked around shifted away when we made contact. Why did everyone look like they slept in a bus? I found out later they only get full showers once per week. Before they shower, an attendant will make them stand up (if they can) and look them up and down to make sure there are no bedsores.

The room was very crowded with maybe 15 to 18 people in it. There were two or three long rectangular tables and a few other smaller ones scattered around. All the women were at one table and the men at another. But for the most part they didn’t talk. It’s like they were pre-arranged somehow in rows. I had no idea why the women and men didn’t mix. I was not the youngest one there but like everyone else in that room, I thought I was the only one who stood out like a sore thumb. I don’t think anyone really believes they are really there, in that dining room. They look at one another. Stare at one another. From my vantage point it’s impossible to tell who is in a state of panic and who is in a state of peace.

Sometimes the eyes give it away. It’s not just the eyes actually it’s those 43 muscles in your face that can slice emotions into infinitely small pieces and reflect them back at the world. More emotional pieces than you can ever have words for reflected in tiny facial movements each one different from the last. All day every day we move about, changing position, responding to an intellectual or emotion or some stimulus. Pieces upon pieces of experience of varying amplitude, assigned a value, ranked and ordered and put in place.

And through a combination of fears, DNA, circumstances and desires your consciousness begins to assemble a picture of the world and you in it. What are these anchors that you unconsciously empower to place bonds upon your spirit? Fears become empowered guards, restricting your interaction in the world. The willful ignorance that makes an external life oh so comfortable also enables the great deceptions that make your spirit scream. Those screams, that torture in the mind are empowered fear echoes. You can disempower them only by abandoning your willful ignorance, dropping your fears, and bringing your spirit INTO this world, not just in your head. This happens when you drop the fear and live your truth as best you possibly can.

Dropping the fear, rolling into the dining room, I took a heavy swing at the wall of death with some heartfelt hellos to my cellmates. The wall doesn’t crack. The heartfelt hello shatters into a mist and just disappears. The echo that does come back is in the form of a thousand preschool teachers dressed as aides, cooks, nurses, whatever. They sing my hello back as if I’m 5 years old and on the brink of helplessness.

OK. Try again. I rolled over to the table where two younger people were sitting. It was a smaller wall of death. Hit it again. Hello! On my left was a man who I acknowledged but he just looked away. On my right was Robert, I think was his name. If I were to guess, it was Huntingtons that put him here. From what I knew, it was very likely that he was every bit as aware, capable, intelligent, feeling, and everything everyone else is except for a body that worked. They will say he isn’t cognitively aware, that he isn’t really there. The aides will speak to him in their best pre-school teacher voice. Visitors will stare at him. He will stare back.

I made it a point to acknowledge him. I showed him my Samsung Galaxy pad, offered to let him try it. It was awkward because he couldn’t. His hands wouldn’t work. But for some reason, there wasn’t a wall of death with Robert.

In the US there is an undercurrent of bigotry. It is because we know competition is fierce and has two sides. Winners and losers. And here, in the US, being in a losing position can be a really, really scary place to be. We love to jeer our losers. We love to throw garbage. It’s a national pastime. Being a loser is, well, not comfortable. So begins the compromise, and the corruption, of saving bad ideas from their destiny at the earliest possible convenience. Because who wants to be a loser when you can pretend to be a winner? Willful ignorance is now your partner, your co-pilot. You are now best friends with your biggest enemy.

Losing, really, is nothing but the exposure of some deceit. Somehow we have associated losing with shame. When did the simple act of admitting a previous deception, no matter how deeply held, become shameful? Was our Civil Rights movement shameful or was it the deception that preceded it more shameful, if there is such a thing anyway? So what – I thought this way but it was really that way. And being brave enough to admit it. In that you don’t do it again. The celebration of losing comes in lessons learned. Lessons learned are often the funniest moments in life. It’s where we learn to not be so easily fooled and where we begin to develop the complexity of thought that makes us human. Unless of course you’re too proud to go there.

Ok so compromise is comfortable. Ignorance is bliss. But here is where reality comes in. This national shame of ours, this absolute one-sided bigotry that keeps making the rounds and the resulting judgments get passed down. They get passed down hard, fast, and very brutally to the marginalized and powerless. Like Robert.

In Robert’s world, in the winter time radiant heaters keep the rooms consistently warm and consistently stale. His thin, economical bedsheet is stretched over a vinylish/rubberish mattress cover. But the mattress cover isn’t just for what you’re thinking. Medications often cause intense night sweats. Literally showers as the body flushes itself. In this stale air, it drips down onto the thin, non-absorbent sheet and pools on top of the mattress cover. It will stay there, cold and probing, evaporating, until you can roll over, move, get up, or get away. I woke to the stale air and soaking cold of sweat. As painful as it is, I can at least move. Robert can’t. He will stay there until someone comes.

What kind of spirit will enter his room that day to help or not help he can never tell. Some will be nice, some far from it. But he can only be one person in return, no matter what happens to him. In this light how can anyone not be thankful?

How can you not be grateful to be able to move through the pain.

The trip to the nursing home began innocently enough. A step in the wrong place, a twist in the knee, releasing blood and fluid into the joint with such pressure that standing was impossible. Walking more than a few feet at a time was vicious. I would not be able to climb stairs I would have to crawl up them. Each small movement would bring excruciating pain.

At the hospital, I was DNRd upon admittance. As the disease progressed I did not want to be a living blob, dependent on someone to show me mercy. At 6’3″ I now weighed 139lb, down from 205lb just 4 years ago. I had turned 50 years old a few weeks earlier. Why was I here? I had heard it all. Why don’t you shoot yourself? Why do you care to live? Life evidently isn’t worth living to some unless they have everything the TV tells them they need. I will show those people why, I tell myself, not knowing how I ever could get through such thick ignorance. The purple Do Not Resuscitate tag mocked me.

With a compromised immune system, ongoing clotting therapy, and a number of other potential complications the Drs and I decided not to draw fluid off of my knee. The needle would leave a hole in a hospital environment with superbugs that my compromised immune system would have a hard time fighting off. Death by MRSA wasn’t very appealing to me. Instead I will wait it out, semi-immobilized on a hospital bed. Now what would become of the visions and how can this possibly be overcome? Were the visions just more forms of deceit?

As my knee slowly healed I would not be able to stay in the hospital but could not go home either. Going home to a four level hose with plenty of stairs wasn’t an option. I would be introduced to a new kind of hell, the nursing home.

There, mostly kind immigrants with basic to advanced nursing training tended to the elderly and the infirm. They would dutifully bring medications from the pharmacy even though in each and every case over the time I spent there I would have to correct the staff who brought the wrong medications. Not once, multiple times, 2X a day, over several days. Mostly related to the very expensive immune suppressants I was taking. Was it the cost or what I won’t know, The pharmacy computer was wrong, the pharmacist incompetent or lazy or both. With way more fire than the average 139lb patient I exploded one day. I had enough of the warehouse, enough of the pre-school teachers, enough of the incompetence of the Pharmacist, and enough of the wall of death. I was leaving. Leaving Robert to his stale room, the pre-school teachers, the incompetent Pharmacist, and God knows who else. To this day it haunts me. Don’t tell me he is ok, that he’s getting good care, that things are fine. I know things are not fine I also know that in reality, it is about the best that our money is buying us in today’s health care system. Sue the bastards? No. All that does is make a poor person lower middle class at best, their lawyers rich, impose absurd overkill steps to prevent any conceivable slipup on the part of any medical person who will ever possibly see you in the future, and still deliver the lowest possible comfort level money can buy. Sorry, but that’s a fact. We have added useless overlap upon useless overlap adding expense on top of expense, driving the cost up for everyone.

And so it was on Jan 1st 2013 I insisted that they were discharging me or I was walking out. I left that place and would never go back to anywhere like it again.

The Vision Quest

Through this process I was able to start to come to terms with my challenges. Here is where death anxiety became manageable. This set the stage for the many insights revealed to be played out in front of my eyes in real time many months later. At some point in the history of human societal evolution laws that prohibit these processes will seem draconian and strange. But these processes are not simplistic. They do not produce made for television sound bites. They cannot be hyped. To walk this path is to take a one way trip that can never be undone. It is a path of living death, an oasis in the desert. In my life only death will complete this process.

Before I walked this path, I completed my health directives. All treatments had failed. I instructed hospitals to place Do Not Resuscitate tags on me the moment I were to be admitted. In this way, no medical intervention would take to place for any life threatening event. I instructed that in the event I cannot get up and fend for myself they were to let me starve to death, if necessary, to bring about an ending. There would be no feeding tubes, no life support, no airways opened. I had resolved to not be a burden any one person or institution no matter what burden that placed on me until the time of my death.

That was my pledge and my truth and my directives reflect it to this day. At this stage, my hands and feet were well over halfway destroyed, my eyesight dimming. Vicious and searing pain bearing down on me from all angles every hour of the day and night. I threw up constantly and would go for days with very little food. The disease was expanding its scope of attack, changing, evolving, plotting new destructive strategies that I needed to stay ahead of. There was nowhere to go, nowhere to hide, and I needed clarity. As I put it in an email:

“When Mayo failed I knew this was going to be a very rocky, one way trip. With no end date but knowing an irreversible path of long term pain, debilitation and suffering will be part of my everyday life I had to prepare. Death anxiety was building, there would be no escape from it. There will be no Golden years of retirement, no life spent with family and friends. I would be torn away from everyone and everything I ever cared for. Lupus is a very isolating disease. Immune suppressants, irregular intervals of extreme pain, near constant nausea.. So without saying a whole lot more I went through a process over several months that could be summed up by describing it as a very intense ringing of a spiritual bell and listening for an echo. And from that process death anxiety began to melt away.”

The plants, with their non-toxic, non-fatal, and potent compounds would give me clarity. These visions were powerful, indelible, wordless with unspeakable clarity. I can only represent how it was explained to me, communicated as best that I can. During that process there were three lessons. These lessons came to me as were a combination of intense dreams containing a strong emotional component.

The Rock

To understand the Rock you must understand the point of death. The point of death, experienced in very slow motion. Now imagine this Rock sitting in a stream. The stream is cold all year around because it flows from a spring underground where the Earth keeps the temperature consistently cool. Consistent and unchanging temperature, never wavering. The Rock is smaller than a basketball, sitting in the sandy bed of the stream. Part of the Rock is submerged in the sand, part is in the stream, part of it is out of the water. That which is submerged in the sand is dead, the part in the water your spirit, and the part out of the water is your life.

The water in the stream flows continuously. It is the spirit of Life. As the blanket of death descends about the body it is as if the part of the Rock sticking out of the stream and the part that is buried under the sand all gather in the place where the spirit flows. In that flowing steady water. Here there is a stillness unlike anything ever experienced and life is expressed by nothing more than a very simple heartbeat and slow, shallow breaths. In this still point, where mere threads hold the spirit to the body, life and death co-exist with one another. They become equals as one no longer has any power over the other. It is a place of supreme equality. It is a place where your living DNA will sit with the spirit of Death. Whether this is comfortable or uncomfortable experience will directly tie to who you are and how you chose to lead your life.

Today, right now, any number of living things are experiencing this boundary condition. Now imagine this Rock as yourself. As the blanket of death descends, imagine that rather than gathering in the spirit of life, the part of the Rock out of the water and the part of the Rock in the sand repel one another. They cannot gather in the spirit of life because they are too terrified. They are in a place where death cannot comprehend spirit and yet spirit sees no distinction between the two. And spirit hold all the cards.

In a place where spirit is shown to be the ultimate authority and the accomplishments of life reduced to mere trinkets some people will be absolutely terrified. Those people will claw, cling, cry, scream, beg, bargain, all to no avail. They will associate themselves with the topmost part of the rock. They will be afraid to gather in the spirit. They will fear communing with death. They will sit on top of the rock. Cold, fearful, clingy, and alone. Alone not because there are no people around, alone because there is no spirit of life to comfort them. In this state they will begin to leave this world, without confidence and fearful.

As death descends, and the spirit cannot hide or run any longer, the body reveals the illusions the spirit was blinded by while on this journey in this place. Illusions such as societal ranking and stacking, that one spirit is less valuable than another, that things done to others are really done to yourself, that the miracle of life is far greater than anything we can explain with the best of our sciences. That the power of one life is the same power that flows in each of us. Earthly illusions are replaced by the equivalency of a body returning to the spirit that brought it forth.

The abused and downtrodden will not find abuse here, they will not be rejected, they will not be dismissed. They are not scum here, they are equal to all, to every one person and every one thing. The abusers and enslavers, the takers, those that associate themselves with their accomplishments and egos, their power and prestige, the seven deadly sins. What happens to them? The opposite. In their lives their wealth brought them insulation. It brought them attention, in some cases awe, in some cases every imaginable pleasure. It brought them access to the elite of society.

They will go to a place of equivalency, where that cleaning person or that maid or that slave or that prostitute are looked upon with equal gaze. In this place how will they feel? For the poor who have felt starvation and hunger, been close to death, watch their countries spend on weapons while citizens live in open sewers and filth. These people have faced fears the rich never will. If the ultimate balance and judgment of life were the overcoming your limits and seeing the equivalency in life that you will experience in death, where would you rank yourself on that scale?

So what comes past it? As a person who has spent many hours of my life in the position of the Rock I still do not know. I do know this. What spirits we channel into this world we do by choice. There is a scientific concept called quantum entanglement. It has been shown that entangled particles can communicate between themselves at speeds many many times greater than the speed of light.

Could this mechanism communicate with us? With me? Entangled particles of atoms forming molecules of thought? . This spirit of life arranges molecules into many forms. Molecules that are made into people, slugs, slime, birds, beasts, and that neighbor you hate so much. Can a person “tune” in or out the spirit of life? To actually, willfully, entangle particles of thought with various pieces of the rainbow that makes up the spirit of life? To tune in to the complete rainbow that makes up the spirit of life all that is required is to fearlessly walk your truth. But you have to walk it without mercy. In who you are, and what you do, unafraid. An everlasting spirit, one no longer deceived. One that is breaking through.

When people ask me where is the other side I say what other side? You’re in it now. Right now. Learning and growing. No matter what your condition. This is the lesson of the Crow., the second lesson.

The Crow

I was very very sick one night, pain all over, every move was agony, I’m nauseous and working my way back and forth from the bathroom to my bed. Literally felt like I was dying, pain was even making breathing difficult. So I got back in bed and this vision of sort came. I’ll call it a vision because there was an emotional component to it that dreams don’t carry. And in this vision I felt like a broken bird, with wings not working, and a very strong spirit came by to see what was wrong. Then it left to join others like it, strong free spirits. And at first I felt abandonment at the edge of death, but then I realized that for me to be as strong and free, in order to join those others I must endure and even thrive no matter what the challenge. I see adversity as just a way God strengthens spirits. And it looks ugly from the outside looking in, from the inside looking out it’s been really, really inspirational. That’s the best way I can explain it.

If lupus was predictable like a court sentence, at the time of my diagnosis it would read something like this. You will be slowly stripped of your hands and feet. They will be crushed. Bit by bit, piece by piece they will dissolve in front of your eyes. Your nerves will burn with each molecule removed. Broken, dying bones will rub against each other as you walk. Disconnected from the rest of your hand fingers will flop awkwardly. Organs will be similarly but silently attacked. You will feel physical pain so great you will gladly blind yourself to escape it. This pain will perch forever at your doorstep. Blindness will knock louder and louder at your door. Pain relief will be denied. You will be made as close to helpless as humanly possible. You will experience pain so great and so deep you will go days without eating rather than face walking to the kitchen. You will be stripped from life itself, thrown down and beaten, left for dead. No amount of physical pain or emotional panic will stop this from happening. You will be tortured to death and there is nothing you can do to stop it. If all my pain were contained in a 5 gallon bucket of water, each x-ray you see would represent no more than one drop of water in that bucket. So don’t tell me about your pain, I don’t care to hear it.

It’s not that i’m not empathetic to what you are experiencing. quite the opposite. I do care. But I also know that I have no control over what your attitude toward your predicament is. So to the extent you ask me how your pain can be used to liberate your spirit I can help. To the extent that you ask me to carry your pain and your fears, sorry my pack is full. My first reaction to people who want to wallow in a pain trough is to tell them to go read about a topic called “learned helplessness” Then pick up a book like “Learned Optimism” by Seligman. When you are ready to move on, then we can talk about your pain.

On the other side is my spirit. The constant observer. The one who says “we’ll see about that”. Sitting deep in the middle of all this, watching. Reflecting. Trying to make sense of this. Defending and attacking in its own way. Absorbing, denying, defying, countering, bringing the fight forward. The observer who dares to mock and defy the horror inflicted on the body. The one that refuses to move from its mountain. The power inherent in all life, everywhere.

As the body dies so does your ego, replaced with this immovable power. It will watch as you are denied shelter, denied mercy. It will watch, silently, as you come to know the difference between mortal pain and eternal suffering. You will feel the weight of the Earth upon you. All manner of obstacles will be placed in your way. You will be cold, hungry, and alone. You will starve. You will know desolation and despair. You will know true helplessness. You will beg for death and even that will be denied.

And as you arrive at a point where you are surrounded by pain, immersed in the loss of each and every thing in your life, it is the voice that says “So what?” It is the small voice of defiance. It is the voice of no surrender but not its timbre. It is the never ending spirit of life calling you to defy once again the things trying to destroy you. To rise and stand in spite of all. To the end. To the last breath. In whatever way you can.

It is the recognition that the complaints, the quitting, the giving up is only the body. All

these things, these complaints, they are nothing but the cheeping of baby birds in the nest. The crow tells you that .your problems are just hunger pains, hunger for you to walk your truth. Those baby birds will grow up and fly away. Rise about your problems and your pain. They are just baby birds. . Rising above these things, emerging from the nest, walking your truth, knowing the difference between determination and resoluteness, that is the lesson of the buffalo.

The Buffalo – third lesson

In my vision I saw a buffalo. It was dying, mortally wounded. But it was victorious in its fight. It had gored its opponent, in human form, so decisively that around the horns of the buffalo were the remains of the necklaces, talismans, and medicine bags that its opponent wore around its neck for protection. I remember seeing a beating heart in a broken and dying body, the last evidence of life itself.

From that vision I would build my spirit wall. I contracted to have a buffalo hide brain tanned and two drums made from the hide. I also picked up a skull, still slightly stinky from decay. I also bought peace pipes from this same person. Finally, from the CMP a WWII era rebuilt Garand on a Springfield receiver.

As a wall hanging, the hide is hung tail down, the rifle at the top. Underneath the rifle is the skull, now adorned with victory chains. The drums and pipes are hung on the wall in random places.

The symbolism of the wall is that it represents my truth in this world. What came to me was that it was time for me to leave one type of fight and pick up another. The rifle is hung up for now, ready to be picked up if needed, but for now at rest. This spiritual fight that would take me to a very difficult place. In that place there will be many enemies who would try to crush me. I would face pain, silence, anger, rage, discrimination, be taken to the edge of death, know utter desolation and walk with hopelessness. All manners of deceit and deception would try to convince me that I do not exist, that resistance means nothing, that all is lost, that efforts mean nothing and I should resign myself to the fact that I have lost. Combating these things would not require a rifle, but something else.

The drums symbolize the never ending heartbeat of life, the pipes the mystical journey. . The hide represents that I will be given no more protection than nature offers. Around the horns now hang the symbols of its victory that eternal life triumphs against the temporary troubles of today. These symbols I’ve gathered from various places. They represent the sacrifices of the people who came before me, the spirits of those here who sustain me, and command that as a human being I make today a little better than yesterday.

The chains that hang are not Mardis Gras beads. They were all in some way handmade, creatively designed and assembled. They are not cheap but not expensive either. If you were allowed to freely take one of these chains and wear it around your neck for inspiration, with the expectation being that if you take one you will bring back ten more as proof of your own personal victories, would you pick it up? Can you live that honestly, according to your spirit rather than expectations? If you can, you will find those victories. If you can’t, you will probably need to invent them all for yourself.

In my vision, because of what the buffalo did, a great tree rose from the ground. The blood and gore of its battle fed the tree, but I would not see how large it grew, nor what its leaves looked like, or what species. I would only see the trunk rising.

It is really easy to stay in an insular world, until they day comes that you become so lost in it you are one of those people at the long table, not like Robert. Because in spite of his outward appearance, Robert was very much alive. In our world he meant very little but in the spirit world he was equal to any other. Because the spirit world does not relate well to falsehoods and social judgments that cast inferiority on people like Robert. In the spirit world, Robert is more valuable than the fear filled executive or politician. The reason for that is Robert is sick, but he knows who he is. He doesn’t need a cocktail party persona. Then another for work, another for his parents, another for his inlaws, another for his doctors, another for his whoever. One person. As one person he can be trusted, as 10 people I would not know which one of him I could trust. You may not be comfortale around him but he is a lot more truthful than you. Maybe that’s why he makes you uncomfortable

White Cloud

White Cloud, MI. The county seat of Newaygo county, in the heart of the White River watershed.. The general area is described in a 1975 Michigan Department of Natural Resources report as a place where “The White River watershed contains roughly 300,000 acres of land. Of this total, 245,000 acres are in private ownership and the remainder is in federal and state ownership. The federal acreage (roughly 54,000 acres) is all within the boundaries of the Manistee National Forest.”

A more recent report would say “Land use is largely dependent on local soil conditions. Where soils are more productive, as in the DeLong Creek area, farming is intensive and permanent. There are productive dairy farms in this area with good crops of hay, corn and wheat being major crops. Most of the drainage has poor sandy soils and the farms are small subsistence and part-time farms with many tenant farmers and absentee owners. Abandonment of farms is a major trend and the abandoned land is in a very depleted condition. Old farmland usually lies idle for a long time and is subject to moderate or severe erosion depending on the degree of slope and exposure to wind.”

Anyone who says if you can make it in New York you can make it anywhere has never been to White Cloud. To me, if you can make it in White Cloud you can make it anywhere. In a city, the sheer diversity of people, different races, education, perspective, immigrants and locals form a whirlwind of energy that will sweep up even those with the slightest of motivation to go do something to earn some kind of money.

In the US, towns like White Cloud are more common than you think. Small, rural communities where land is cheap, water plentiful, and investment lacking. Most of them are within 50 miles of mid sized cities and suburbs. With all the job losses in the US due to globalization and regulation, in many ways it could not have come at a better time. In retrospect, we may be glad that during the time of unprecedented human population growth the pollution that supports this growth is happening in other countries, not ours. I would learn in White Cloud that the grocery bags that cannot recycled here are shipped to China where they are evidently burned. I’m not so sure the people of Beijing appreciate this, or even know that we ship our garbage to them to be burned in their land where regulations come a distant second to official corruption. I’m not so sure many people in the US appreciate the regulation that exists somewhere that makes it expensive to burn those bags here.

I got the idea maybe Lupus came into my life sometime around the US Civil war. The first born children of both of my grandmother’s first born children would contract lupus. Genetically speaking, the eggs that would grow into those children who would birth those people who would contract lupus developed in my grandmother’s body while she was a fetus in the womb. Did they pass down a trauma from generations ago that would resurface again, in another generation, in another time? I often wonder. My Grandmother’s mother was born in 1864, Civil War years, in Indiana. In less than 10 years, 7 years after the Civil War, the country would be taken from a fragile peace and the continual social fallout of reconstruction to the first Great Depression. She would die young, when my Grandmother was only six.

The story of my grandfather’s family on that side is similar but starkly different in approach. Pieces of their roots trace back to the earliest settlers back to the late 1600s Massachusetts. They were all early American settlers of European origin who would strike out on their own adventure, into previously inhabited Indian territory in the Ohio valley.

By 1832, around the time treaty of Wyandott most clearly stated the land would no longer be shared between the newcomers and the natives, it was opened to more immigrants. . This treaty paved the way for Indiana to become the 4th largest state in the Union and marked the official but temporary truth of our intentions. It’s a historical and present day truth that when people are allowed to take from those who are defenseless, the taking never quits. It just goes on and on because there is no real penalty. And if you are living a life of lies, you can easily make room for one more, right?. This is because you choose to live a life where it is very easy to rationalize away your humanity for the benefit of your stomach. Don’t believe me just look around.

But there was something different about that set of my great grandparents. It was during this part of this process that I found myself exactly opposite them in experience yet identical in outlook. Much like the anti-dna. In other ways the other end of a magnetic monopole just delayed in time. Viewed in opposite, from the other side of lupus.

To understand what I mean by that you first have to understand who led them in their endeavors. The story is important enough that it’s time for a brief intermission.


You’ve seen the red kettles at Christmas time. Those bells. I have a story to tell, one which you probably never heard. It’s the story of an Englishwoman given a title and a mission in a time when women just didn’t do that sort of thing. Especially when it comes to religion. This Englishwoman came to America, tossed aside her critics, led her civilian troops literally into battle, scooped up a genuine US Army Distinguished Service medal and she wasn’t even a citizen of the US at the time.

Remember that Rock? Remember that place on top of the Rock, where the fearful huddle all alone as death approaches? That really, really scary place? That is the place where the Salvationists focused their efforts. Their mission was to step in and ease the fear of those stuck on top of the Rock. Especially as death descended in the cruel trenches of WWI France

One other point. Remember their time – children and grandchildren of the Civil War growing up with all the tales, friends missing fathers, fathers missing limbs, cities burnt down. For some of them their real life point of view was that God had laid his wrath down on their country. They saw the aftereffects firsthand. Others thought it was simply a profound demonstration of the ability of Mankind to be blinded by his own deceptions. In any case, no matter what they thought, for these people how much time do you think they spent listening to “nonsense”? None. That’s how much.

Evangeline Booth got it in her head, or laid on her heart, that the boys on the front line were being sent as cannon fodder. Because they were. And because of that there will be a lot of death, a lot of dying, a lot of very frightened people on that battlefield. She was right. Alone even with everyone around. Alone on top of that Rock. She knew the regular Army didn’t care much about what happened to people stuck out there. But Evangeline cared. Service to others was her truth and she walked it.

Where seven years of suffering had burned away my fears she and her army would simply rise a cross in front of themto dispel theirs. And walk her truth right onto the battlefield. Their source of their faith was clearly God and the instrument they would wield to do God’s work was…..the donut.

Evangeline Booth, from the introduction to The war Romance of the Salvation Army

“Salvation Army teaching and practice is: Choose your purpose, then set your face as flint toward that purpose, permitting no enemy that can oppose, and no sacrifice that can be asked, to turn you from it”


“When the Empress of Ireland went down with a hundred and thirty Salvation army officers on board, one hundred and nine officers were drowned, and not one body that was picked up had on a life-belt. The few survivors told how Salvationists, finding there were not enough life-preservers for all, took off their own belts and strapped them upon even strong men, saying, “I can die better than you can,” and from the deck of that sinking boat thy flung their battle-cry around the world- Others!”

“Man! Sometimes I think God has given us special eyesight with which to look upon him. We look through the exterior, look through the dark, objectionable coating collected upon the downward travel of misspent years, through the artificial veneer of empty seeming-through to the man.

He that was made after God’s image, He that is greater than firmaments, greater than suns, greater than worlds. Man, for whom worlds were created, for whom Heavens were canopied, for whom suns were set ablaze. He in whose being there gleams that immortal spark we call the soul. And when this war came, it was natural for us to look to the man – the man under the shabby clothes, enlisting in the great armies of freedom; the man going down the street under the spick and span uniform; the man behind the gun, standing in the jaws of death hurling back world autocracy; the man, the son of liberty, discharging his obligations to them that are bound; the man, each of them, although so young, who when the fates of the world swung in the balances proved to be the man of the hour; the man, each of them, fighting not only for today but tomorrow, and deciding the world’s future; the man who gladly died that freedom not be dead; the man dear to a hundred million throbbing hearts, the man God loved so much that to save him He gave his only Son to the unparalleled sacrifice of Calvary, with its measureless ocean of torment heaving up against His Heart in one foaming, wrathful, omnipotent surge.”

“Wherein the price? What constitutes the cost, when the question is THE MAN? ”

The Salvation army arrived in France before the American army did. Gen. Pershing seemed uneasy at first, but in that uniquely American way he seemed to know well enough when to get out of the way of innovation. And General Pershing let them walk their truth, right next to the troops, right up on the front lines. He took a chance, and they delivered.

It’s that walk of faith. The willingness to walk a scary path precisely because that path uncovers a gracefulness that empowers even the most timid of spirits. All it requires on your side is the truth.

Reading the story of these people, who braved serious and substantial danger doing nothing but caring for others, I was struck. You see, sometimes to understand what something is you have to understand what it is not. Peering at something from the extreme opposite end. Carrying what undoubtedly was the same type of faith. Just in different worlds, time shifted. I cannot adequately tell their story but Evangeline’s book is a free e-book, very short, and an incredible read.

Looking at their experience through the eyes of my own I saw a common theme between us. And that would be to get to the truth you can’t be afraid of the sting.

The sting of truth

Sometimes truth stings like a bee, sometimes like a hornet. I see a lot of people today identifying themselves by their view of their place in some social construct. People whose spirits are tied so tightly to their social construct that when anything goes wrong or gets put slightly out of place they are tormented by it. A rising up of torment like you find in a bullied child. A torment that makes their very spirits recoil in horror at the chains of life, so much so they can’t stay in it.

Another benefit of walking your truth. I rarely ever anymore feel the sting of truth. Instead I watch deceptions fall. Any pain is just the result of tearing deceptions from the spirit. Backwards to you maybe but completely normal to the anti-dna in me. Because faith is just that – it’s about empowerment. Empowerment that comes from knowing nobody can stop you but you.

So it is in White Cloud, where I’m in the eye of the storm, walking my truth that the spirit of life is stronger than the lies of death,. I’m walking it in the most improbable places, against the odds, because I know my hand is now all in. My final bets have been laid down and I will walk my truth right through it and watch the lies and deceptions that say life is a zero sum game fall in front of me. And so far it is working.

Yes it has been difficult. But as the winter of 2014 yields to spring I walked out and saw muddy puddles drying into topsoil. The clovers are coming up everywhere, turning sand to mud, then the mud to soil. In time. The spirit of life wants to burst out, we just have to create the right conditions. And the right conditions are the ones centered not in your imagination, but in the truth. Because the truth is I still have plenty of sand, and lots more deceptions to sort out.

As the disease gets worse, the spirit of life just gets stronger. It will eventually become so strong my body can’t contain it anymore. And that is how I will live until my last breath. In an indestructible truth.

The beginning – rise here or die here

An email arrived, asking how Iwas doing. My reply was written some time after arriving in White Cloud. Parts of it follow, revised for clarity. “…i’ll answer as a lupus patient because none of this makes any sense to anyone but me. so here goes. as things are progressing I’m feeling it now really working on major joints like knees and hips. like my hands, none can be replaced or fixed. no knee or hip replacements are possible. ok, so that sets stage. go back maybe 10 weeks or so ago, same knee joint gives out. completely. went from walking to being pinned to the floor in 3 hours. I could not move. I could not crawl up stairs to get water to take medicines. it would have taken a few shots of morphine to get me off the floor. so I call dr. same dilemma, and come hell or high water i was not going back to nursing home. I say give me narcotics, they say go to hospital which would have kept me 2 days and shipped me to a nursing home…, take mountain of prednisone because that’s all I got to fight inflammation. eat mounds of crappy tramadol, advil, whatever I can get my hands on because pain was very nasty. when I say nasty it was somewhere beyond hanoi prison camp but stopped just short of spanish inquisition type pain. within 4 hours or so I had taken so much prednisone my retinal membranes started leaking fluid like crazy and separated my retina in new places while re-filling and expanding the already scarred area. I knew my eyes would take a heavy hit but I had no choice. I had 911 ready on my phone,,,just had to hit send. told myself if you want to go bad enough, bite chunk off your lip because unless you do that or your leg turns purple you’re just going to shut up and take it. ( pain, pain, pain, get up to breathe, get beaten down 2X. this is lupus. it stops short of killing you, but not by much, at least it doesn’t feel like you’re far away). you have to hold on hard, be super strong and not waver one inch otherwise it seems you’ll just get blown away. It is a point of honor now. that no matter how much it hurts, no giving stopping…no quitting. but now I need much more help with the pain. it is a lot to suck up. and I’m to the point where i have to buffer it with opiates.”

You’re doing what?

Before you say “he must be faking” I have a story. It will tell you a little about who I am. So I’m maybe 3 years old, playing outside. I get locked out of the porch by other kids. HaHaHa very funny. I didn’t cry to mommy, I backed up and ran my outstretched hand straight through the glass and screen of the storm door, reached in and unlocked it, opened the door, climbed on my tricycle and rode around dripping blood from my cut up hand all over the floor of the porch. Locked door conquered, problem solved. The blood on the floor was my trophy and I was proud of it.

One quirk you will see more often in small towns than large ones is the tendency for some people to lean toward zero sum thinking. Here’s an example. Person X sees the world as comprised of a finite amount of treasures. In small towns, things move slow and it seems that nothing changes sometimes and its easy to get comfortable with that. Then there’s Person Y. Person Y sees the world as containing a vast amount of treasure, it’s just locked up somewhere, daring them to find it. Invariably, when Person Y finds a treasure Person X gets mad and wants to take it.

Even though X could have done it themselves, that fact that Y did it first is enough to drive them to sabotage. Person X is the type who makes a big deal out of 5% of the problem by hogging up 95% of the discourse. Person Y is the opposite. There are lots of People Y here, but they are too busy looking for their next treasure to waste their time listening to someone’s ranting. Especially when they always rant about no more than 5% of the problem anyway.

Shut up already. In small towns you can say shut up already and everybody gets it. So to the people X who try to come in my life I say read the rules, and if you don’t get it don’t come back. Ever. Because you waste my time, steal my peace, distract me from something important, and I’m the one on a timeline likely much shorter than yours anyway.

The natives who originally inhabited this place had a way to deal with Person X kind of thinking. In their eye life was just one giant spirit quest combined with a walk of faith. Sort of like I’m doing now. In their society, the person who found the greatest treasure and laid it at the feet of the tribe was most honored. They did not live to accumulate physical treasures but spiritual ones. And a very true fact is the North American continent is so bountiful that they really didn’t need to advance their science and technology to fend for themselves.

But it would be my own pseudo-science and technology that would be needed to reverse a most curious phenomenon. On this 81 acre property for the longest time nothing would grow. That is, nothing that wasn’t already growing here would grow. And when I say nothing I mean it. DOT grade grass seed, radishes(yes, even radishes), raspberries, trillium, yellow clover, the list goes on. All planted and all dead, except for what’s left of Shirley’s garden.

Michigan Dept. of Natural Resources 212-121

Status of the Fishery Resource Report

Page 4

The White Cloud Dam was built with a bottom draw structure when reconstruction took place in 1990. The bottom draw structure was operating during water temperature collections conducted in this survey. To better determine the effects of the dam and bottom draw structure on water temperatures in the White River, water temperatures in the impoundment were collected at 1:00 pm on August 9, 1996. Water temperatures in the impoundment (near the discharge) ranged from 72.3 F at the surface to 64.9F at the bottom (Figure 9). At the same time, water temperatures upstream of the impoundment were 61.0 F and water temperatures downstream of the impoundment were 70.2 F. The bottom draw structure had little effect at moderating increased water temperatures from water discharged through the White Cloud Dam.

De Mol (2009) provides detailed information regarding nutrient loading in the White River Watershed.

Overall, the watershed is receiving increased phosphorous and nitrogen loading resulting from increased development. Both agriculture and residential development is causing increased nutrient levels in the watershed. Sub-watersheds with the highest concern for nutrient loading include Robinson Creek for residential development in Robinson Lake; Black Creek, Skeel Creek, Cushman Creek and Brayton Creek for agricultural runoff; the upper portion of the North Branch for residential development on McLaren Lake, Pierson Drain near White Lake for agricultural runoff; and the White Lake area for residential runoff.

Land Cover and Use

The White River Watershed was heavily logged during the mid-to-late 1800s. Historical photographs of this general area showed that few trees were left standing after logging occurred. The logs were transported to White Lake using the stream channels which resulted in severe degradation of habitat for aquatic life. Historical and current logging may presently be affecting in-stream wood habitat in the watershed. Prior to European settlement in the 1800s, the White River Watershed was 96% forested with the remaining area composed of lakes, rivers and wetlands (Table 4). In 2001, the watershed was 66% forested with about 2.5% composed of lakes, rivers and wetlands. About 18% of the land was used for agriculture and 3% was urbanized (this includes all roads). Most of the agricultural lands were found in the middle and lower portions of the watershed (Figure10). About 11% of the land was covered in herbaceous open land that includes abandoned farm land. De Mol (2009) found that since 1978 the upper portion of the watershed had converted some crop land to open fields and forest. In the middle and lower portions of the watershed, more residential and specialty crop land had developed. About 23% of the watershed is contained within the Manistee National Forest and managed for the protection

of woodland and wildlife.

Well, the author of this report sure hit the nail on the head. Heavily logged. If you’ve ever grown up around sand, you know that rain falling on a high, sandy hill with steep edges is going to do one thing. Erode them. Which strips them. Because whatever grew underneath of those trees grew in about 6inches of topsoil plus general forest debris. With no canopy to protect the topsoil from driving rain, and no more roots to hold it together the forest grew back in somewhat of a free-for-all. Only this time the soils were more acidic, more depleted. NPK and Lime won’t fix it alone. Micronutrients get stripped out of sand quickly and they are critical for many plants to grow properly. They get put in the soil mostly by animals. With nothing much for the animals to eat, it will be a long time before they get back in. So to get things to grow Imhave to add a micronutrient mix plus root fungus to any npk/pH adjustments.


When I was young I used to get intense dreams about spinning tops that never seemed to end. Very much like the kind that you wrap a string around or spin with your fingers. These tops would appear in my dreams, each vibrating at a specific frequency. That frequency I felt through my entire body. Some tops were comfortable, some tops were terribly uncomfortable. It all depended on the vibration it was putting out as it spun. But the portion that made it a nightmare for me was not the vibration when they were spinning, it was the vibrations they made as they lost energy, spun erratically, the vibrations spilling out in waves as the top slowed and finally tumbled. These vibrations were tied, in my dreams, to every cell in my body. When the tops spun out of control, I would too. The mildly comforting vibration would turn to a jumble of chaos leading to panic. As the tumbling top would run out of energy, it would disappear and another would take its place. And it would go on and on, as if I were being programmed by remote control. This frequency good, this one bad, this is stability, this is edging to chaos, the finest of changes in vibration would mark the transition that would start the top tumbling.

Add severe pain into the world of the tumbling tops and you will begin to understand the door that leads to suffering. Because in that world I would find a pain so intense, so at odds with every tolerable vibration of life, that the very act of existing was very nearly impossible. There I kick and scream for relief that does not come. A never ending nightmare of tumbling tops and every imaginable flavor of pain combined with the visual deterioration of my body. From burning neuropathy to whole body pain that makes every move a new lesson in agony. Suffering is an inescapable place like a circular room where all doors open into the same place.

In suffering, I would only find relief in the plants. We really need to take the breaks off of research. This isn’t about Cheech and Chong, or Pineapple Express, or Zoolander, or whatever else. It’s not about taxes or revenue. It’s about where are the highly beneficial compounds contained in the plant and how can we separate them from the others that are not so helpful. Look at my xrays and listen to my words because I’m telling you it helps. I’m also telling you as someone with an engineering degree that it isn’t harmless. I will tell you some strains are disturbing to me and I avoid them. I will say if I had access to the one, two, or three compounds that help and get rid of the ones that try to fry your short term memory that would make me just as happy. But because we don’t research it and over the counter is a reality generations away, I can’t wait for you. I just can’t.

The crow manifest

Remember the bird in the vision was a crow. I was walking into the woods and along the path was a crow. It was injured. As I moved toward it, it got scared and panicked. My intentions were good, to help, but it did not know this. It was so busy being a crow that as I moved close to it tried to fly away. I sensed its panic because I knew that same panic. I have lived it many times. But it could not get away from its pain. It was the broken bird. From my experience I knew it was communing with the same spirit that I do in its final moments.

I first thought “I” could pull the rifle off my shoulder and put it out of its “misery”. Then I was told both I and misery were human creations, not spiritual ones. How did I know what its suffering was? What if its final moments were actually quite beautiful, and assuming it is in misery I would deny it the experience of its last moments on earth. Instead of its last moments being one of great perception its last moments were spent in the rise of panic. Because way behind that panic, after it rises and falls away, there comes a peace. And after the peace the world is opened up. And as the world is opened up an understanding comes. But the FEAR and the panic in those previous moments keep that beautiful experience away. If I would have shot the bird, it never would have experienced what it was meant to experience. It was not suffering, it was just sick. When I came back, it was gone.

And so it was shown to me that what was happening to me was not cruel at all. In the human sense maybe, in the spiritual sense it’s normal.

A year has passed. A year of writing was lost to a software glitch. Another baby bird because I realized if I were walking my truth I could resurrect those words in better form than before. If I were to describe myself today it would be someone who spends their time on things way bigger than themselves. Today the spirit of life is way, way bigger than me. And every day I am up to see the sunrise, knowing a day will come when that won’t happen anymore. I can’t explain, convey, communicate or exchange in any way through words the connectedness and peace I feel. The worst of storms are just ripples to me now. The worst of troubles no more dangerous to me than those cheeping baby birds.

To get to this point in my life I had to accept a lot of pain. A lot. The best I can describe it is to say I was pulled into an opposite world, one completely free of mercy. In some respects a perfect vacuum, devoid of humanity and grace. Part of that due to disease, the other part on purpose. In that opposite world, immersed in pain and true suffering of every imaginable kind there was nothing left but the spirit of life. This is an important point. Sometimes to learn what something is you have to know what it is not. If you want to know the power of the spirit of life then take a walk, even a small one, without mercy.

In White Cloud, I would push the concepts of pain and no mercy to the breaking point. Or at least as close I as could to getting there. Each time as I did so, each time as things became difficult I simply ended up growing stronger, more faithful and genuinely optimistic. Seriously.

Because here I can’t be fooled by imaginary success. Here, sand is sand, topsoil is topsoil, and nothing but hard work and honest feedback will ever make anything different. Plants will live or they will not. If they don’t live then I’m clearly harboring some deception about what it is about a particular life form that prevents it from thriving. Here, it is up to me to sort out my own deceptions, not the job of the plants. Because I don’t waste time on imaginary successes my very limited time is spent as wisely as possible.

After coming here, and finally coming to terms with being here, it turns out in many respects the visions were correct. Those crippling pains and emotional voids really were just the “cheep cheep cheep” of baby birds. Growing pains of a different kind. That unbending buffalo spirit would rise and push me through the pain of each day. That spirit of no compromise, call it out, face the truth and walk it. It was tough, I got tougher. As pain turned to suffering I would indeed learn the difference between determination and resoluteness.

The future

Today my world is in a place of peace, love, justice, and no mercy. Peace not because of lack of confrontation but peace because confrontation is directed at uncovering the lies that keep the spirit of life from flowing through me, or the forest, or my interests.. The love is tough love because I don’t care about your ego or mine or any other lie that you carry. I don’t care about your hurts, they are yours and yours alone. They are your creations, products of your choices not mine. You are the one who nurtures them and carries them and lets them interfere with your peace, not me. Love is not about carrying the burdens for someone who should not, but chooses to, carry them in the first place. Justice here is one that empowers everyone and enslaves none. A justice that ensures you will only be free to walk your truth, not your lies. Be who you are, unashamed, empowered, walking your truth. Mercy here is only reserved for people who are genuinely unaware they have done something to screw up the peace, love, and justice part. For those who come here with their ingrained willful ignorance, and expect me to walk their lies with my time they get no mercy. None. Because the job of the truth is to take power away from lies. It is time we let the truth do its job – without mercy.

Three days of Redemption 4-15 to 4-17, 2014

From the Cross to the Fireball Revised June 2020

Revelations 20:6

Blessed and Holy is the one who has a part in the first resurrection; over these the second death has no power, but they will be priests of God and of Christ and will reign with Him for a thousand years.

Earlier in the day I’d published TLP, the writing above. Written over a period of 3 ½ years of intense suffering, it was primarily a letter to my sons to help them through life as I was convinced mine was just about done. I went in for a nap.

Down to the last pieces of truth, I had laid a sincere prayer on a church a day or two before. It was answered in a most spectacular fashion. But the answer would not embrace the church where I laid the prayer. The answer rebuked that church and every other I had ever known. . The answer rebuked the nation I lived in, not slightly but viciously. Absolutely trashing the core “principles” promoted by pundits, warmongers, virtue signallers, fake Christians, delusional Darwinists and authoritarian bigots who called themselves modernists.. Answered in a way that was as uncomfortable as it was empowering. In a way that would unmistakably tell me to prepare for war – with words for now, with Spirit later.

Asleep, I had another vivid, unmistakable dream.. It was so strong it was indistinguishable from reality. In it, I was seated at the chair in the living room of the cabin where I had spent so much time writing, thinking, communicating if you will with the Spirit of Life. In my dream I was facing somewhat North although when I normally sit at that chair I face mostly East..

In my dream, as I sat in the chair a bright beam like a spotlight opened from the East. It burned a path through trees and hillsides and hit me directly on the right side of my body.. Once shined on me I completely lost control of my muscles, was lifted in the air, turned, twisted and and was pushed prostrate on the ground in a classic Islamic prayer position. Hands and head on the ground while still on my knees.

In the light beam gravity had no effect.The light beam was all powerful, I was paralyzed in its presence, could not move. In that light beam I had no power. In that light beam I would experience freedom. The intensity of the paralysis was unlike anything I had ever experienced. When prostrate on the ground it was like being glued to the floor. I awoke from the dream somewhat startled knowing it was too strong to be anything less than a message.

Now wide awake, I got up, walked out to the table where I’d spent so much time pondering how to move forward and sat, looking out the window at the spot where the beam burned through trees, hillsides and a house, hitting me and tossing me around like a rag doll. I thought “Now what?” All I had been through, now this?

It was bait. I was being lured to the forest but didn’t know it at the time.

What you may not understand is that for a long time now I had been training myself to seek out fears and confront them. Confrontation by immersion in them. Immersion that continues until the fear is put into context and its power over me is removed. Until the fear has no more influence. I challenge myself by intentionally going into places and situations that feel uncomfortable. If I have a decision to make, I tend to take the decision that feels least comfortable. The purpose of this is not to do something risky or downright stupid but to find out if there is a fear point associated with the discomfort of a decision. If there is a fear point then I dismantle it by finding its origin and extinguish that fear point from my thinking by immersion. That kind of fear confrontation technique is well known to people with catastrophic illnesses. People without catastrophic illnesses probably aren’t familiar with the technique.

As customary with me since arriving here, when going in the forest I grabbed my AR. It’s a very effective defensive tool that I customized with a lighter weight two-stage trigger, optics, wider charging handle, etc. Easy to use by a disabled person, carrying a 30 round magazine filled with defensive ammunition, I rarely went into the woods without it. I’m not afraid of people in the woods. I’m far more wary of things like dogs that are set loose by irresponsible owners or get loose to become lone hunters. Crippled with Lupus, I cannot run or climb a tree so any confrontation needs to end quickly and decisively, hence the AR.

So with the bolt locked back, safety off, holographic sight on, magazine in I slung it over my shoulder and started walking toward the origin of the beam. I had no idea what I would find. My mindset was “who are you to take away my power in this world?” I left the cabin and headed for the hillside.

About 100 yards out of the house, maybe 300 yards away from first impact I started to sense the energy. To say my senses were highlighted would be an understatement. With each step forward I was getting the message my life was about to become a prayer. I could feel my consciousness starting to rotate about the fixed point of the energy source. Words that for years carried an incorrect context were shifting into their correct context although I didn’t understand yet how intensely things would change.

With each step toward the light beam origin my life started to become a prayer. An integrative, full time experience of immersion rather than an insincere habitual experience devoid of meaning. With each step the light beam energy intensified.

I had never understood prayer. It was supposed to work but never seemed to. It was supposed to heal but I never saw much evidence of that. In a few more minutes I would understand prayer like never before.

No matter what you find, confront it. To do that meant releasing all expectations of an outcome and walking into this point of convergence. Faith (a process to achieve a vision) plus action (walking it). I approached the hillside and the Spirit of Life spoke stronger with each step. When I say “spoke” I refer to a very distinct awareness. Nothing different at first than from strong idea or concept. Creative energy converging rapidly about a concept.

As I climbed the hillside the convergence increased.Time and Space became Earthly concepts. Revealed as man made concepts that tie a spirit to the bonds of Earth. The experience was like a clipping of fine wires that bound my consciousness to this atomic world and blocked access to this Spirit world. Concepts that simply hide the truth from your spirit evaporated and left me standing between two worlds. Linear concepts of time and space were proven false. As a society we continue to adhere to linear concepts of time and space to describe our lives. Things like birthdays. Milestones of our existence. They happen and happen again. We believe in them, tie our social lives to them. I was released from them all at that moment in time.

As I went about the hillside time, space, and the separation of my consciousness from what I will describe as a Universal truth disappeared. Fully cognizant of where I was, it was the world that changed.

The energy welled up within me, I closed my eyes and at first there was blackness. Then the light beam hit me again. When it did, it was as if a giant metal plate was struck from behind by massive hammer, the blackness shattered outward and left an unmistakably bright, blindingly white cross. It was thick, not thin, perfectly formed. Not bent or twisted in any blasphemous way.

I tried to speak. I tried to say “That’s Jesus’ symbol” But the word Jesus would not come out of my mouth. Other words did, that one would not. I thought to myself, why can’t I say the name Jesus? An abrupt answer in the form of an unmistakably clear thought came to me which was “Go confront the White Trash conversions”.

At this point the cross literally dissolved a huge piece of the socially ingrained ignorance that prevented me from understanding what that whole thing was all about. Then, a massive universe opened up to me and the death passage began. I was not incapacitated in any way during this time. I could walk, try to talk, but mostly I just shut up and rolled with it.

A massive universe opens and I’m drawn through a series of states of consciousness that stopped growing in intensity only when I reached the fireball, the presence of the Creator and felt the full force of the Holy Spirit. At that I was reuinited with my free soul but still in my human body.

In this boundary world I entered the wrath of God was clear and unmistakable. The anger is completely understandable and the logic very simple. It’s starts with choice. The universe, and the Creator, are what they are. The Creator is, and always will be, your first true love. Yes, you are created but that doesn’t make you not real. Not practicing deception doesn’t mean you’re a slave. You are not, in God’s intended world, a slave to lies about reality or yourself or others. You are not a victim. You are not kept in a state of eternal scarcity or anxiety. Completely free to explore and create. You can laugh, reproduce, explore, revel in the miracle of life through the grace of the Creator.

Unless you practice deception.

Because then you have chosen to merely take what is, claim it to be not so then force your beliefs on others in a never ending corkscrew of devaluing reality and others in order to make your delusion come true. You are the problem because your choices are your problem. You are a slave to a series of lies and your lies bring death to Earth. You are in a place where the opposite of Love becomes the fear and shame that fuels your anxieties. Anxieties that you then project on others in a vain attempt to relieve yourself of your pain.

How to get out

Getting out was the message of the vision and the death passage but it was not taught to me in a context I had ever heard before. “Why do you hate me and not your own selfishness?” The fireball asked of me. “He told you you were forgiven, why are you carrying shame?”

The opposite of Love wasn’t hate, it was shame.

And it was a highly repulsive force in the face of God’s Love. In the face of the Holy Spirit. As was fear. All fruits of deception. OMG! That’s it! That’s how to make it work! I was thrilled.

Matthew 10:22 “You will be hated by everyone because of my name, but the ones who persevere to the end will be saved. “

Through the passage

God hates things. Things he made. Things that had to exist or you would not have choice. Things that if not renounced can literally kill your soul. Here you will see them, feel them, experience their toxicity and you’ll experience the rage that gets directed at the people who use them. Great anger, yet greater forgiveness abound there. I will use the word Satan to describe the adherence to any concept, lie, or deception that separates your consciousness from accepting a single God the creator and becoming completely immersed in Universal Intelligence, the Holy Spirit. The Spirit of Life.

The anger there is directed at the works of Satan, not at one’s Spirit – unless you chose to try to channel Satan’s works into that world on purpose. Like you’re probably doing right now. None, and I mean none, of the works of Satan are allowed to enter that peaceful part of the Spirit world. If you try to take them there you are repulsed back to the place that kind of thing naturally resides and that’s a very bad experience to have. But you picked it.

Deception – inverted truth carrying a pair of coercive components like fear or shame – establishes blocking points to the Spirit. It cuts you off from the love of God because you choose to believe inverted truth over reality. It’s cause and effect in its most basic form.

By not renouncing deception you’ll start to hate the people and mentality you really need. You’ll invent reasons to carry and project unjustified hatred. You invent reasons to carry shame. You practice deception because it’s socially acceptable. Or socially necessary. You become bound to that energy and you take all the hate that comes with it and will project it on somebody somewhere. Every. Time.

By choice.

By choice you make reconciliation impossible. By choice you make others suffer for your selfishness. By choice you create scarcity for others in order to feel better about yourself. By humans exercising the choice to practice deception all the social cancer that we see, the sickness and misery that go with it, come to Earth.

Which means our misery is no accident. Our misery happens when people stop standing up to liars. When real accountability for words is non existent. When cultural lies become coercively enforced. When communing with deception becomes normalized death becomes normalized too. You just don’t know it anymore.

That’s the view from the other side. You can very easily be different and the next stage of Christianity will be the rebuilding of the churches that teach integrative prayer leading to immersion in the Holy Spirit. We have no choice because if we do not all the horrors of Revelations will certainly come to Earth. Untold numbers will spiritually perish, some forever, if we fail to act in our lifetime.

Because if you have not experienced the First Death you have no idea what you’re really missing. It’s an experience you have, not a lecture that you get. It’s an experiential freedom unlike anything you ever thought was ever possible. It was a shared experience with the Creator where all the secrets of Creation were there to explore, understand, integrate, and share freely with others. It was a place devoid of scarcity, disease, hunger, deprivation, and most important, deception. It is an experience probably completely inverted from what you experience today and it is nothing less than fantastic.

Standing in this presence, the sum of my knowledge assembled as man reflected back to me as fallacy by the Holy Spirit I said “ I’m supposed to be dead to be here”. That statement would kick me out. Just those words of separation were all it took to be pushed back into my human conscious state, albeit with an indelibly new insight about what it all meant. It happened because I prayed for it. Those were my words that kicked me out and nobody else’s but mine.

In my passage I had seen the gates to Hell. Circular, turning, the fire behind them raging. Knowing how the Earth experience was teeing people’s conscious states to fire them directly into that place and they were completely oblivious. I know most of them were oblivious because until this happened to me I was oblivious.

Purity of Spirit, an absolute dedication to the truth no matter what the consequences. No stolen honor, never telling lies on purpose. Resolute in the pursuit of truth and justice for all. These things are the simple price of admittance to a place of spiritual maturity. The opposite of an “it’s all about me” place where scarcity and fear are in greater abundance than creativity, abundance, and eternal life.

Because in that world there is not an absence of life, but an abundance of everlasting life. It is a place where everyone is focused on creating abundance in the spirit of truth and justice. An everlasting life that does not agree and is not compatible with the mentality of Satan. Simply put, when you think it’s all about you, you’re on the wrong track. Know that Satan and his seven deadly sins wrap and wind their way through interpersonal relationships because of a misapplication of mercy and granting pity where none is deserved. Often hiding behind dual binds of fear and shame. Those sins blind people to their own hypocrisy, their own deceptions. Those sins that empower your greatest enemy and wreck your relationships with your best friends.

I was no longer who I was just a few moments ago. Kicked out by my words – my prayer – I wasn’t supposed to be dead to be there – I WAS supposed to be there. All the time. Never leaving. That was the point of Christ’s teachings.

Next thing I know I’m stumbling into the valley. I started feeling incredibly weak, the rifle slipping from my shoulder. I could no longer carry it. The weight was too much as I was getting too weak. Another unmistakably clear thought came to me “never wear that rifle on your shoulder (in the woods) again as proof”. As proof of what happened to me that day I will not carry that rifle on my shoulder again. While peace came for a time it would not come for a long time. I would have to go back to carrying it again, this time not on my shoulder but ready to fire. Against or in the presence of the Holy Spirit the rifle was useless. It became more of a prop to me than anything. But in the atomic world, now nearly devoid of the Holy Spirit it served a purpose.

Onward toward the house, with each step a wave of spiritual instruction. Starting at the Garden of Eden, the turning away from Spirit, the release of conflict in all its forms – life itself – upon the Earth. Wave after wave, concept after concept, giving life to stories I had long thought of as fairy tales. Skipping most of the Old Testament these waves moved on to the New Testament, re-interpreting many stories in ways that brought them to life. The other side of the story. It would go on and on for days. I would stay in this state, viewing society from an alternate but fully rational perspective.

These waves confirmed the existence and stories of Jesus, the Resurrection, healing, and put miracles into context. No conflicts between science and the Spirit – many paths to the same place. The waves moved on to the Biblical stories of Revelations and stories of the end times of mankind. A confirmation of Hell and one’s ability to destroy their own soul by intentionally channeling evil into this world. I would describe it as turning the corner to the Spirit world but not permanently entering it.

And let’s set a major calibration point here. I have never claimed to be a prophet of God. I have specifically and repeatedly told people that at best I only offer a different perspective. Today, I don’t have power to heal myself or others. I see and hear no commands. I don’t summon angels or cast out demons from others. My words, these revelations, came long after creation began. Long after God’s messages were stamped on mankind through prophets I could barely relate to at the time this happened. Religious texts from all over tell the same story I was told. The only thing was I had never really read any of them. Relating to those stories was always a problem until that day. On that day they all came to life in blinding detail from the Spiritual perspective. The other side of the story. All I am doing in describing this to you is telling the truth as I experienced it. I believe this is still only another piece of the puzzle for you to consider, and a factual account of an actual event.

I don’t believe what started for me that day was abnormal. If anything it is completely normal and above all can be replicated. I believe we are about to enter an age of enlightened consciousness where experiences such as the one I had become commonplace. There was a substantial release of healing energy into my thought processes first, my body second. . I would certainly call it a baptism in that my thought processes are forever changed.

Core message

I could go on forever but the things with the greatest measure of clarity and value to my experience are here. You may be familiar with an Autostereogram, a one dimensional picture that you observe as a 3 dimensional image when you overcome your body’s “normal” way of viewing it. My experience was similar only as applied to perception and in that it took a concentration of an adopted mindset to allow the stereoscopic, simultaneous viewing of the Spirit world and Atomic one. I was describing incredible perceptions of a fantastic world, infinite in scope and happiness, in stereo, overlapped onto this atomic world and my “normal” experience.

Once hitting that stereoview of the universe a three dimensional, spiral sprocket became apparent. This was the winding of Satan’s seven deadly sins around spiritual blocking points. This sprocket lined up with the actions of personality types who act in accordance with these blocked energy points and of which they are unaware.

Each of these were personal blocking points, accepted lies or deceptions, which keep a person locked into the same self-defeating and Spirit denying mindsets. Here there were no coincidences and every event had meaning and was linked to another event, tied to a spiritual entrapment point.

Rom 1:18 (Wey) For God’s anger is being revealed from Heaven against all impiety and against the iniquity of men who through iniquity suppress the truth. God is angry.

I completely agree.

Your fears of what may happen to you in this world negatively impact your ability to discern right action from wrong. You fear walking your truth so you walk someone’s lie in exchange for some shelter of some sort. So you repeat the same mistakes, hand them down from generation to generation. Hand them off to the next generation who become less and less able to recover from the trauma of being separated from the Spirit world. You must stand for truth, you must stand for integrity, no matter what consequence to your Earthly body.

Matthew 10:28 ESV And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

I completely agree.

Picture your spirit walking separated from your atomic energy trap, but with the luggage of this world carried along in terms of chains tied to your consciousness. Ahead of you is a big grinding machine into which your luggage goes first. If you don’t let it go you will get pulled into the grinding machine with it. To the extent they are attached to your Spirit you may both go into the grinding machine. Goodbye spirit, sorry but you asked for it. But what about “I lived a good life, I’ll be ok?” No you won’t. What about pity, mercy, forgiveness, bringing your stains with you under cover of false pretenses and helplessness? Nope. They won’t go there. You have to get rid of them before you go there not when you get there.

You have to free yourself from them, you have to let them go. This world is a place to practice letting them go. The message of the cross, Jesus’ message of forgiveness and salvation is true, it is an antidote to the effects of these deceptions on Earth. But you have to demonstrate sincerity in thought and action. This was very clear to me in stereoview. So clear that I would never call someone a liar, I would first say they carry deceptions about which they are unaware, and which prevent them from being comfortable with telling the truth. Then use facts to determine if they are purposely channeling lies into this world through their words and deeds. Everyone should be comfortable with the absolute truth of their life, and feel free to express it without judgment. Nobody should be shamed or frightened into accepting a promise of eternal life.

“The opposite of Love is not Hate. The opposite of Love is Shame. He told you that you were forgiven, so why do you carry Shame?”

Moreover, why does society tolerate those who use Shame as a tool to further their subjugation of someone else? Shame is a wrongful, Earthly judgment of God’s creation. Here is the problem, around each shame point you allow to control your thoughts, one or more of Satan’s seven deadly sins will entangle themselves. These entanglements will wrap themselves around the relationships you have with people in your life. Shame is a tool of Satan because being unable to accept forgiveness means you stay separate from the creator, God. The universal consciousness. Shame has such a powerful rebounding, reviling effect that it is difficult to accept as something that is part of you. It isn’t part of your deception free spiritual you. It is a lie of this world, one that drives itself so deep in your psyche that all you notice is an echo of it but mostly so subtle that you lose awareness of it.

Committing a shameful act toward someone is an attempt to spiritually de-value another; pushing another toward helplessness, Satan, and is a horrific sin. The fallacy of the kind of redemption preached today is that you can keep deliberately committing these sorts of sins and still be forgiven. It didn’t work that way. Forgiveness entails trust, trust that an act will never be repeated. Do not abuse forgiveness. Those stains you try to put on others you put on your own soul. They are not fully removed by simple confession, tithing, insincere prayer but require sincere acts of contrition.

Preservation of the love of family was a strong theme and there was great anger at those who work to destroy those bonds. In the atomic world, your Spirit is motivated and trained by society to perform certain rituals. Eating, drinking, and sex among them. From the perspective of the Spirit world the act itself isn’t necessarily an issue it’s your relationship to it. Insincere actions mean nothing, sincere actions mean everything. The spirit world wants to see absolute family bonds no matter what the circumstance.

This was so clearly spelled out that there was great anger at those who disparage the LGBT community and imply they have no spiritual future. It is a lie to judge that community because of their relationship to simply how their spirit expresses eroticism. Going further, these messages condemned those who would judge. “If you cannot understand how two of the same can love one another, a love that has nothing to do with sex, you cannot understand love that exists between a father and a son, or a mother and a daughter” That hatred of the LGBT community stemmed from works of Satan who has an interest in ensuring “fathers will hate their sons and mothers will not protect their daughters”. Ending value judgments against this community on the basis of their relationship to sex alone is critical. Society creates this problem by sexualizing love. God’s love has nothing to do with that.

This is not to imply I’m promoting the normalization of the radical LGBT agenda. Anyone practicing transcendent Christianity will eventually leave the LGBT is normal mindset entirely. You have to or you’ll block your transcendence. What’s important is to understand there is very little on earth today that is “normal” in the eyes of God. Picking one small element of a person to pass judgement on them is a waste of your time and is spiritually destructive to you, not constructive to transcendent dialog.

Remember that love of family includes the entire human family, not just your own. Because of the polarizing effects of racism, I was reminded of its origins in this country. Many people like to call America a Christian nation and that is fine to a point. What is not fine is to continue to ignore the horrific acts against people that were carried out and justified, often in the name of the cross. Like with Native Americans, we often forget what our heritage meant. Racism was put into this perspective.

In our push for manifest destiny, what we called in our history books as God’s plan, we told lie upon lie upon lie. God’s plan does not involve purposely telling lies to further His interests. It doesn’t include warmongering either. In our quest for riches we enslaved Africans and often justified it with our own selfish interpretations of Biblical stories. For the love of money and power people were taken from their homeland, brought them to another place where their women were raped, men were humiliated, families were broken up like they were firewood, and told them all it was God’s plan. It had nothing to do with God’s plan. It was a horrific evil that has gone on for thousands and thousands of years, amplified after the murder of Christ and echoes of which still go through our society today. It is why, in the presence of the fireball “the South was burned and deserved every torch put to it”, and its profits sent North were why “you got Gettysburg”.

Likewise for Native Americans. The treatment of them, numerous written treaties which were little more than lies on paper, the intentional destruction of their humanity and spirit was not the work of a Christian nation. That was the work of a nation in pursuit of money and power at the expense of truth and justice. Stop speaking to your Christian heritage as if you bore no stains.

Why does this matter today? Because we as a society have begun to devalue one another based on which side of a political lie someone appears to stand. The same kind of blind hatred and de-valuation that was done to different races is now aimed at attacking each other based on perceived political bias rather than whether someone stands for truth and justice for all. All of us are in on it now and it’s the cause of much divisiveness.

The messages rolled on to contemporary events. Trapping between two lies, for example sex shaming for the love of money over truth and justice. An ultimate evil and it’s easy to see it at work. It is the legacy of the Catholic church in contemporary America. Sex shaming priests committing shaming acts on people, trying to bind them to a life of shame and misery. It was done in the name of money and power and was a grievous sin walked in front of the cross. But it was done in compliance with an intolerant society, intolerant of sexual orientation as it was with other races. It comes from the same deep, divisive hate that is the opposite of what we should be doing. The loud and clear message was get over your unjustified, divisive, de-valuing hatred of others if you want to progress spiritually and economically. Be concerned with creating abundance, not decrying your shortage and hiding behind blame.

There were a number of geopolitical implications which I’m not going to discuss. I believe it is sufficient say that our leaders should be the best of us, not the worst of us. Pieces of truth shopped as the entire truth are damaging people’s ability to discern what action to take to really improve their lives. Our leaders must be held to a standard of truth and justice that has seemingly all but disappeared.

1 Peter 2 (NIV) “Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind” I completely agree. Every instant spent in judgment of another, especially when pieces of truth are used to slander, is an instant you are blinded to this Spirit world. Like the flash of a camera, once it hits your eyes it takes a while to wear off. If you practice slander and deceit it can overwhelm your life because the effects don’t end when you finally close your mouth. They linger. It’s one thing to have an opinion, it’s another thing to accuse.

The pivot point to becoming a priest of God and Christ is understanding what no mercy means and how to apply it. In practice it is rather easy to do. It is practicing the faith of the mustard seed. It is truth setting you free. You resolve to die before you ever practice any form of deception. At that point doors open for you.

At the end of thelupusproject I would state “For those who come here with their ingrained willful ignorance and expect me to walk their lies with my time they get no mercy. None. Because the job of the truth is to take power away from lies. It is time we let the truth do its job – without mercy.”

This was the doorstep. No mercy to the willfully ignorant. No grace to the deliberately deceptive. This is what the death passage taught. This means every piece of willful ignorance. Every piece of a personal belief in your own superiority over another based on any social construct. Because once at that doorstep you can engage a different kind of hunt. A hunt for deceptions of which you are unaware. A place where “My truth is your deception”, the subconscious deceptions that keep your consciousness separate from the Spirit of Life.

Shout at the Devil 4-16-14

This part has been very difficult to capture and communicate. I would not consider this to be a full description yet. Consider it no more than a clue to a puzzle we are trying to unwind. If my life becomes as authentic as my spirit my illness will cease and regenerative processes will start. I’m working on finding what’s blocking that right now. I know part of it is timing, part society, and part me. None of the pain that came with this journey is God’s fault. It’s ours. We brought it here. We keep it here. We nurture it. We need to get rid of it. Luckily, our free souls are easily up to that task.

Here’s the other issue. When a person finally transcends their free soul will not commune well with people who practice deception. There will be conflict. The free soul will always win that conflict.

Standing in the light, facing the fireball the diseases of the ages stood out. Spiritual diseases manifesting as living misery. Kept in place by generations of cowardice, hypocrisy, deliberately practiced deceptions. All rolled up into the sum of a person’s consciousness. Artifacts of those processes lying everywhere.

But now I knew the secret. Each person’s free soul is an antidote to the pain of the ages. When the energy of a free soul is applied to ignorance, ignorance loses and loses very quickly.

I knew from suffering how to project the spirit of life and now I used my free soul to hunt down and destroy artifacts of those generational echos that were encoded in my DNA and manifested in the environment around me. It was a reintroduction to spiritual warfare and a reminder of the effects a free soul has on the artifacts of multigenerational deception.

At the baptismal events to come you will feel the unencumbered and unowned nature of your free soul. And there, no matter what you are or what you think you are now, you will become a guardian spirit. Because each person who claims their everlasting life will be forever opposed to deception and all manifestations of it and they will guard it no matter what.

On Earth, any invocations to lesser Gods (evil) can and likely will bring them into your presence where they find a ready made attachment point in your consciousness. This is the basis and warning about idolatry. It is very serious. Anything less than a full baptism of the holy spirit, which is drug free and completely natural, will be no more than a piece of truth still wrapped in some deception.

I look at myself this way. I found a huge piece of truth but I’m still bonded, in ways of which I am unaware, to my illness. We say sticks and stones break your bones and words never harm you. Actually ghosts of idolatry and false words will still separate you from the creator. Same with blasphemy. It is not egotistical on the creator’s part it is limiting on the part of your spirit consciousness. The creator will expect you to confront and triumph over any evil you find. Because that is your innate power. That overcoming is a natural aspect of your free soul. You will see the creator in everything therefore there is no need for an exclusive symbol. Or any exclusive symbolism. Otherwise you may find yourself unwittingly playing for the wrong team.

These demons think it’s funny, this pain you feel. They mock you behind your back as they tell the creator it’s the fault of the Creator, this pain. Therefore creation is faulty and so is the creator. They promote nothing but deceptions that try to push your consciousness into a place that causes you great pain. That PTSD? I know what you mean. I have felt it. I do not feel it anymore. And I would NEVER consider manipulating my brain chemistry based on any science not based in subatomic scientific fact as it relates to consciousness and a creator of the Universe. The brain is nothing but an artifact of subatomic processes. Like the sun, we atomically detect the heat and radiation but do not view the actual fusion taking place, merely the artifact of the reaction.

But the truth is, on Earth Satan merely wove a near perfect lie. Satan and his friends use a mirror, effectively, to attempt to time shift concepts so that spiritual lessons stay continually out of your reach and out of this realm. Don’t fall for it because your day of reckoning will someday show up anyway. I don’t know when, in this generation or the next or tomorrow. But I do know that time is coming.

It was not possible for me to spiritually pass through from this dimension to the true spirit dimension, even briefly, without understanding the way of the cross. That way meant complete renouncement here, on Earth, in the right now not at some later point when you’re “dead”. That I promise will be something every person who experiences living death will understand. It was a rotation of consciousness past a certain point and once that point was passed huge doors opened.

At its depth you must understand a person who unwittingly or worse, deliberately, practices deception will automatically and without thought try to harm or wound spirit consciousness in the most visceral of ways. Jesus was betrayed in the most visceral of ways. Abandoned at trial, nobody spoke for him. Nobody dared question the power of money and false authority. The only one who stood against it on that day was Jesus himself and he walked his truth to his atomic death but spiritual glory.

With His gifts removed from this world mankind was left to itself, now lorded over by descendants of thugs who instinctively demean and dehumanize, degrade and humiliate, shame and torment,. On purpose. It is not an accident. It is not human nature. It is and was a deliberate choice. And its origin is demonic. This is your original sin. Keeping it going is what you likely practice today in ways you are mostly unaware.

Society has taught many to systemically reject the purifying energy of the Holy Spirit. That’s why we have so many problems. We have so terribly wounded ourselves by modernistic thought processes many people are nearly completely trapped here.

That is not what anybody wants.

As I see it we were suddenly thrown into existence by a process we do not yet understand. In that garden of Eden, for creation to be perfect deception, and the manifestations of it, had to be allowed to exist, otherwise there is no overall truth and no real choice. In that garden all deception was rolled up and contained into one thing. Leave it alone, don’t touch it. Should have listened. Curiosity killed the cat, as they say.

I understand it because when I was younger I did the same thing. “Don’t stick your finger in the socket”. How many times do you hear that? Well, I wanted to know why not. So I went into the bathroom and unscrewed a light bulb from the socket. It was one of those sockets with a pull chain. Standing barefoot on the floor, with one hand I put my finger in the socket and with the other pulled the chain. I found out quick why you don’t stick your finger in the socket. It really hurt. It might have been funny, but it was no joke.

I see all of us here on spaceship Earth sailing along, oblivious to an auger heading in our direction. It comes from a place we have long discarded as a reality. We have collected the data we wanted to collect. We interpreted it in the most convenient of ways and got comfortable with interpretations of convenience. But in the end I am no better than you and you are no better than me… we are equal spirits just trying to figure it all out.

From what I was shown in reality each person is unique and must unwind themselves from their own historical and uniquely chosen spiritual bondage. In their own way. Judging and shaming people, existing here by taking power from others does nothing to help this world.

What was also shown to me is that there are natural laws that we do not yet understand that account for virgin birth. Clearly then sexual subjugation of women or men serves no purpose other than to reinforce a shame based culture that locks out the energy of the creator. It is no surprise to me that Lupus is prevalent in women of African American and Asian descent. Historically speaking these groups have borne horrific treatment in terms of sexual subjugation and brutality. So much so it has become wound within their DNA.

On the return trip from Heaven, I encountered evil spirits. Jesus said “Do not fear”, and this is why.

The Exorcism

A return of the Holy Spirit to Earth will return the exorcism. It is simple cause and effect in motion to the exorcist. It is sheer terror for the people who practice deception. When your consciousness makes contact with the Holy Spirit there is a massive expulsion. Layers and layers of “I am” concepts become obliterated. You must let it explode away from your consciousness. Clarity of thought is required from those you interact with. Any sort of deception said or passed to you will make you feel as if you are drowning in a sea of despair. Fear will keep you from fully utilizing the experience and that is why you are told to practice overcoming fear.

“Seed sowing is a ritual, creation is not of this world”. Biological machines are created but filled with a spirit originating with the creator. Deeply intertwined within this atomic body the consciousness receives messages from both worlds. The spirit world which wants to reunite you with your empowered, shameless, authentic self vs the tiny, reflected ego world which wants you to believe that on Earth, you have to compromise to survive. To Satan, he knows you follow him by the shame you carry, the fears you harbor, the judgments you pass and your belief that money equals Godliness or protection, among other things. That’s right, Satan’s biggest fan, his most ardent supporter, is you.

Here you have to realize a very important point that your ego will reject outright. That you actively channel, nurture, pass along, receive, trade, and barter evil in some way on a daily basis. I’m doing it too in some way that I do not yet understand. It’s an evil that says you have to take even whispers of power away from others in order to exist here. An evil that says you are helpless. An evil that says you are not worthy. An evil that says you are separated. An evil that says you are better than. An evil that says you can’t be authentic. But my description is not complete. I am still missing key pieces of truth and I continue to search for them.

As the baptism progresses and begins to realign your concepts of reality you’re going to feel really funny. You will laugh at the irony and you will rage at the evil. Rage. You will feel the deep, awful, horrific pain of the oppressed. You will experience the rage at the deliberate deceptions. You will see Satan’s arrogance in action and all the trouble it causes. You will see the brutal denial of passage to any hint of an ego centric consciousness that is an enabler of evil things. You will see seemingly innocent people get consumed.

You will also know it’s your job to oppose deception. The good news is your free soul is a powerful antidote to all forms of deception. Opposition becomes effortless. When you do this find a place to go yell and scream and let it all out, never to be picked up again. If you do this it will expel anything attached to deception completely from your consciousness. Also know there will be no turning back. You will give up your freedom to choose between the “I am” state and the “it is” state. You will stand forever for truth as you now know it. Otherwise you know in a very visceral way that you are actively playing on the wrong team. The team destined to lose. The team that mistakes trash for treasures. And you will know you are doing it on purpose.

You will know willful ignorance to be the beginning of corruption and you’ll hate it. Again, as I write these I am not fully immersed in truth. I am not a guru. I am not a spiritual leader. I am no better than you and you no better than me. You may be holding the last pieces of truth that I am searching for and not know it. My biases and my ego will only delay my search. Your fear of sharing may delay someone else’s healing. You may be holding a simple clue that may help us all find the missing pieces. To me we are all in this hunt together.

Evil attempts to take many forms but it is ultimately the same thing. A lie carries a betrayal intertwined with some visceral coercion. Your baptism drives you to exorcise it all out. Looking for it becomes easy. It will naturally expel itself as you move about, holding firm to your free soul as you move.

Evil fears free spirits and will try to run because once you know evil’s basic secrets it can no longer hide from you. It can’t control you. You become its visceral enemy. The baptized, immersed in the Holy Spiri, can repel or destroy evil with little to no effort. Your free soul is the Roundup to Evil’s garden of ragweed. But this conflict you will learn to engage in is pure, and when done in concert with the creator it is devastatingly effective against our common enemy.

Knowing a good offense is the best defense it was my turn. Seven years of suffering about to be handed back – without mercy. I will use my free soul to interject my new found freedom into my environment and then hunt the artifacts into which evil flees or resides.

In my living prayer, only one would not be saved but offered for the destruction at the discretion of Christ himself. Because no stolen honor. It would be a prayer for a reset. An intervention. A stop to the madness that has destroyed and damaged so many here today.

The fear of an errant woodcutter was tossed to me but instead of internalizing it I reflected it back to the environment. My spirit consciousness was in charge now as I announced my presence.

My announcement was loud shouting, more like a scream. Something like this. “Get out of here! I will find you! Every last *ing one of you!”. Prepared to physically die and carry the fight to the next dimension the living prayer started. No fear at all. Not surprisingly it did not take long for the sound of the distant chainsaw to stop.

All manifestations of fear or shame in my environment were reflected back to its source. I started walking to the forest on broken feet, pain being a demonstration of sincerity. That too was reflected and my physical body now a sense organ for my spirit to hunt satan’s artifacts. As I found them I would become physically ill and wretch with each discovery.

As I started the walk I passed a black stone in the field. I would taunt it time and again as it “watched” the living prayer unfold. It would helplessly watch the systematic destruction of helplessness. In this intertwined world things have both atomic and spiritual representations, depending on the relative position of the observer. I knew what side I was on and I knew exactly what was being exposed for destruction.

I came to a bridge over the stream. The stream is a creek in the atomic world and in the spirit world a stream of consciousness. Finding one artifact I could have stopped. But I was hunting whispers and ghosts, not stones and bones. As the wretching subsided from the discovery of the first artifact, signaling to me its loss of power forever in this world, I started hunting the second. Going after the second one would expose the intertwined nature of evil to me but at the time I did not realize it.

It was important to make sure the artifact was uncovered and wait until the wretching to stop before progressing to the next one. I was given this message previously but did not fully understand it until this started.. Returning from an errand I witnessed a large raptor, a hawk I believe, standing on a crow. I must have missed witnessing the actual impact by a few seconds because when I first looked nothing was there, looking again I saw a dance of conquest unfolding on the North road.

The hawk knew it had won but the crow had not surrendered. The crow would not give up its grip on this world. The hawk would stand there, patiently crushing the crow underfoot until it died. It took several minutes. The crow did not experience a quick death. Only when the crow gave up its spirit did the hawk finally leave, flying away to feast on the artifact. Similar to hunting fear until it subsides completely I would stay put on the bridge until the wretching stopped. Like the hawk, I would not relent in crushing my opponent until I felt the energy completely dissipate.

Anyway, no longer throwing up, into the creek I started walking against the stream. My shoes sinking below water level. Cold water soaking my feet but I can barely feel it. Nerves in my hands and feet are mostly burned away from 3.5 years of neuropathy. The knife in my hand simply a reminder of the seriousness of my quest, not a threat to anyone. I am hunting spirits of evil that spill pain into this world, expelling them from my layers of consciousness as I walk. Sensing literally for ghosts of fear and betrayal in these artifacts and machines of life I walked through the stream against the flow, toward its source.

Hunting artifacts of intrusions of evil into this world, anomalies that are detectable as my vector consciousness analyzes its present state vs historical context. Confirmed by my body wretching and throwing up as I approach them. Other artifacts have a different tone. They are the ones crying out for justice. I am stalking all forms of disconnect from the creator in my representative environment. But now evil is trying to desperately hide from me. Originating from the dimension of the creator. Tied and linked to subatomic messaging and now viciously stalking deception. Why?

Because your free soul is vastly more intelligent and capable than anything on Earth. Technology we can only dream of is available to those who have renounced deception. Free, clean energy. The same technology would render all atomic based weapons useless. Nuclear missiles? Literally joke technology. Not even a water balloon. What if I told you this technology also could start regenerative growth, spontaneous healing that seems miraculous but in reality is completely normal. What if the “mentally ill” were “cured” by a subatomic realignment that takes seconds? What if all conflict were to be rendered purely defensive, protective of truth and justice rather than selfishness?

It is the technology of the creator that will not be available to us until we align our philosophy with the realities of the creator and the world we live in. What if you were to mistake this as something not from the creator but instead from your own arrogance? Disaster. Utter disaster because the subatomic truth will break through, eventually completely.

In that state of vector consciousness I didn’t need atomic eyesight. I didn’t need atomic senses at all. And I was not vacuous or disconnected from reality in any way. This went on for hours. Stalking, identifying, burning and destroying. The influences exercised have been forever removed from my consciousness unless I choose to pick it up again. But that is something I simply will not do. I now know them for what they are. I will never betray the reality of the creator just as the creator will not betray me.

During this time I could write checks and balance books and discuss engineering concepts in exquisite detail as it was easy to see the atomic reality sitting on top of the subatomic control mechanisms. With “no laws broken”. Today’s scientists who say intelligence is a function of genetics or the brain don’t know what they are talking about. Intelligence is an artifact of allowing creativity to flow, energy of the creator which can be extracted and utilized in many ways. It is limited by thinking ‘this is me’ rather than realizing the reality of ‘this is us’, you and the creator enjoying creation together. Overcoming obstacles. Enjoying life viscerally rather than emotionally. Considering the doors that this opens to you, is that really such a bad trade off? We vs me? Integrity vs fairy tales?

If you don’t think integrity matters I question your right to ever be in a position of authority. Integrity is your only true ally in business and in life and I could easily see a team of 50 people with unshakable integrity utterly pick apart and competitively destroy a business staffed by 500 but run on fairy tales, fantasy, and ego trips. The creator’s philosophy delivers large results instinctively. It builds empowered teams. It runs circles around fairy tales in terms of efficiency. Its primary tenet is never tell a lie on purpose and never intentionally practice deception or deceit. You do not judge and you do not shame. You extract truth. Then you watch for errors, trace them back to the source, and free your consciousness from the origins of those deceptions, making you simply happier and more effective. Is this really so bad? All you really need is the courage to practice it. It is not anti-capitalistic it is simply anti-lying. And anti-helplessness among other things.

While this was going on I had clear instruction to avoid church. That someone will be coming to fix that so for me, just break out the popcorn and watch the show. And I have for the most part done just that. But I am free to tell you those artisans, crafts people, and distillers who practiced these things until they actually pulled off a virgin birth feel mocked and betrayed by this generation. Mocked and betrayed.

On Christmas though I did go to church at the Basilica in Minneapolis simply to admit that there were many times I too was deceived and could not see any truth of Jesus much less the creator because the truth has become intertwined with too many lies. My prayers on that Christmas day were for us all to begin to calmly but firmly unwind, extract and employ the truth for the sake of our countries, this world, and the many spirits still trapped here and in the dimensions effected by what happens here. Is this something to be afraid of?

Finally, be aware of the mindset of one who does not abandon deception. They will hate the people who do. They will hate their peace, their intelligence, their friends, their competency. They will project the inner hatred that fuels their deceptive mindset onto those they need the most. They will wreck relationship after relationship as they spiral into despair. They will bring misery to the ones they love and will do it subconsciously. Without thought, without awareness.

The Healing begins 4-17-2014

After closing down the day of exorcisms you find out the deceptions try to come back but it’s more of a test than a threat. They’re going to try to move you off your mountain and they will fail unless you give them grace. Stand firm. This is the beginning of your journey of resoluteness.

That night (4-16) another vision came of me sitting in the same chair facing North as I was before the light hit me. There is a North facing front door I rarely use but in my dream it started pounding and creaking from the outside like someone was beating it with a battering ram trying to get in. It was loud and normally would have scared me. But after what I had been through I simply dared it to open that door. With the release of “I dare you” from my mouth the pounding stopped and it left.

The next day started kind of funny. Someone came to my house driving a white work van. The person was impeccably dressed, carrying a gleaming bible. He looked at me like, “Do you need anything”, and I said, something to the effect of hey brother, thanks for stopping by but everything here is under control. I got a look back like “you got to be kidding” and I’m saying let’s roll with it.

On to the next round, Healing energy. Now that the deceptive energy has been dispelled by the exorcisms another kind flows in. I take blood thinners and tend to bleed more than most people but not terrible. But what was about to happened left me surprised. At this point I’m still locked into this vector consciousness state.

I nicked my ear accidently with a razor and went to lie down until it dried and quit bleeding.

My left ear was nicked but my right one had hurt for a long time. It was a very deep pain I had no idea what it was or where it came from. Anyway in a meditative state I started pushing spirit energy into the point of pain and the next thing I know my right ear burst and started bleeding profusely. I had to get up and go back to the bathroom where blood is now pouring out of both of my ears.

I tried to wash it out but there was so much it was getting everywhere. As I was washing a message of “this is so you can hear my words” came through. Stuffing tissue into both ears now I went back to lay down and try this again.

I’ve had nosebleeds since I was young. Caused by an accident of some sort. Anyway I did the same, started pushing spirit energy into that damaged area. Next thing I know I sniffed blood then it started to pour. Back to the bathroom where bone chips, cartilage, whatever was started coming out along with tons of blood.

Now my head is bleeding just about everywhere. Not a little, a lot. Pouring and won’t stop. My nose bled for probably 30 minutes before it started to subside. With blood dripping from my nose, mouth and both ears now came the message, “this is so you can breathe my spirit”.

Ok, now try this again. Now I have tissue coming out of just about everywhere to stop the bleeding so I go back to lie down until it quits. I had cysts on my liver, other things going on that I started pushing energy into. By the time this was over, my kidney issues faded, liver cysts went away, eyes became more tolerant of Prednisone and I would never go back to my wheelchair. My ankle swelling subsided and would not return. But the Lupus and RA are still active and have not quit. Somewhere are more clues I still need to track down. Somewhere is a clue to a major healing and/or reversal. But to do that I need to prepare in the event God is graceful enough to open another portal. I must be ready for when that time comes.

I opened the first portal by chasing fear. Fear is gone, obliterated. Now I’m chasing anything that prevents reaching the point of stillness. Looking for the dead quiet zone that you enter just before breaking into the room where the healing energy of the Holy Spirit resides.

Spirit consciousness you adopt from the baptism will unwind you from everything including your sexual identity. There are no shame connections to draw away from experience life in its entirety. In spirit consciousness mode you’re connected to the creator so you’re free. Nobody owns you and nothing is ever used as a tradeoff. Everything is voluntary and non-abusive. Things are fun, empowering, and respectful. Possessiveness is gone.

When two or more are gathered

The house divided is literal. You either renounce deception or you don’t. That’s the dividing line. Those who don’t, die. Those who do, live. It’s a simple fact. Each lie carries a betrayal and each untruth must be supported by another or coercion or it falls. Only truth can stand alone. With two people, each who have renounced deception, finding untruth gets easier. General conversation, going back and forth, listen for fears, shame points, indecision. Where does it come from? Help each other find it.

Help each other eradicate it. With honesty. Brutal honesty if necessary. Those emotions which are artifacts of deception are not normal. They are artifacts of evil and they have no place in a practicing Christian’s life. The two or more gathered describes a technique of mutual exorcism that you engage in with someone else. Each using their free soul to help the other release deceptions of which they are unaware.

Find a friend that will never lie to you, not even white lies and you must do the same. No judging and no shaming, you are looking for peace. Now if neither of you are being unintentionally deceptive about something but have a deception in your consciousness it will manifest in the form of some double standard. If you have anxiety or PTSD it’s coming from somewhere that you can identify and start to de-amplify the energy you have been unwittingly trained to channel into it that makes you feel it in the first place.

Just in general conversation you can find inconsistencies. If you get into jealousy competition that’s ego consciousness coming forward. Nobody is better and nobody is worse, you’re looking to exorcise ghosts of subjugations. One goal is to find out why you would ever be inclined to ever surrender your honor or integrity.

Two spirit friends working together like this are simply being honest mirrors back to one another. Your spirit relationship will evolve which will lead both of you to that same door with the bright light that you have to decide if you want to open. A group of five doing the same will find the inconsistencies faster in one another. I don’t know that I would go much bigger.

The trick is complete honesty on both sides, a commitment to getting through what may be an ego bruising session, but as you do you’ll start to see bonding patterns. You’ll see shame patterns manifesting in erratic thoughts. Shame and fear patterns may be linked or interdependent. This complicates breaking them. Makes finding them harder.

But when you find them and stop fueling them your peace and competence will skyrocket. If you don’t believe in demonic energy you will as spirit energy starts to push out the negativity. As honesty and authenticity grow in yourself you automatically push the responsibility for falseness back to the people who try to push it into your life. You will find peace and the deceivers get the pain they’re trying to hand you. They then have to decide to either drop the demon or find another victim.

This is literally what will happen. As more people refuse to follow the demon – be minions – the demon (nothing more than an advocate for deception) feels the full pain of its actions. Every time you’re a minion you pick up that pain and surrender your peace. You then carry a burden that is not yours but one you chose to carry. So start handing the pain back to those trying to burden you with it if you want to call yourself a practicing Christian.

A practice of Absolutism – the Evolution of the Ghost Dance

A ghost dance is a methodology to replicate the spiritual psychology a person develops from enduring pain and suffering without actually having to go through the pain and suffering. It’s a Christian practice that you’ve probably never heard of designed to connect you with the empowerment of your free soul, your life energy, the wisdom of the Universe and an incredibly healing, beyond words powerful, personal reunion with your Creator

It is a practice of absolute belief, to me just a replication of the previous seven years of applying techniques to combat suffering although now for a different purpose. The mechanics were simple. By 2014 I had seven years of practice enduring suffering. Now all I had to do was change scale, shift target. Reframe the problem and apply the techniques. And I would be hated for it.

The practice of absolutism isn’t terribly difficult. It dramatically changes the modern definition of faith. What makes it different than what you’re probably used to is that it acknowledges there is a tangible, experiential goal attached to the practice. That goal is no less a reunification of your soul with the Holy Spirit through the power and grace of Jesus Christ. It unleashes miracles. Words become prayers. Relationships become immersions in Spirit.

Faith becomes a process word not a degree of belief word. First and second deaths become tangible experiences actively sought. And what you will learn is that things like bravery are scalable. Opposing deception with bravery becomes an emotional tool that is applied to the most difficult of problems. It defines resolute honesty. Once claimed and applied it’s gift becomes competency, true freedom, removal of the devastatingly crippling emotions that keep you from being happy and successful. The problem is very few care to claim it. Most are afraid to.

They’ve been told it’s not possible. They’re called mentally ill for proposing it. The messages and the evidence that are contrary to the derision of the deniers is obscured by the LARPing psych cult, the hypocrites, the prosperity gospelers, the fraud upon fraud upon fraud who get rich peddling pander in the name of God or medicine.

For myself the practice has been a solitary activity. Anyone who had been through what I experienced would understand. People who have not had that experience or those that never cared to understand it never would. Enduring suffering on top of solitude I drove straight for my soul with the goal of liberating it and then helping others do the same. That became my life focus.

People who are involuntarily disabled know what discrimination means. They know how you are primarily used for billings and politics not helpful medical practice or thoughtful policy. They know how virtue signaling of the most hypocritical kind is used by the medical industry to take income away from people who really need it. The involuntarily disabled know how the average human thinks.

The involuntarily disabled know about projected hatred. They become easy targets for the unresolved anger of others. They know as they pursue peace they will inflame those who are not pursuing peace. They know they will be just targets and will pay an emotional price if they become enmeshed with a practice of deception or a deceptive person.

What they are experiencing is the hatred that stems from steady state mentality of those who refuse to renounce deception.

In those alone times from the first contact which brought me scorn, a kidnapping, threats and harassment I knew one thing. The love of God never betrays. Never. Not a whisper, not a scratch, through slights, sneers, accusations, aloneness and discrimination it was always there. It was one thing I knew I could always count on.

I knew it as healing energy. I knew it as freedom. I knew it as the key to returning miracles to Earth. Because the love of God never betrays but lies do. Lies betray and they cut a person off from the love of God.

If you want to create miracles on Earth, all you have to learn to do is think like people in heaven. People in heaven worship god by rejecting deception. If you want to see God’s love on Earth as it is in Heaven, rejecting deception has to be the cornerstone of life here too.

Going to war against my own deceptions that I unwittingly carried would return me to the healing energy of God’s love. The deceptions I knew of and the ones I didn’t. All of them. And I learned the only way to exorcise the lies I didn’t know about was to never tell one on purpose. Complete authenticity. That doesn’t mean I’m going to tell you all my business, because I don’t have to. It’s none of anyone’s business but mine anyway.

Because God’s love, experienced through immersion in the Holy Spirit is the only thing that truly heals. It’s not your doctor, your pharmacy, your supplements or your luck.

“The Spirit World is a vector. Look for me behind the Cross” said the fireball to me. He was right. The Spirit World is a vector with the cross being the guide to ultimate freedom. Your return to enlightenment.

Emotional vectors. Honesty. Integrity. Oneness. Compassion. Empathy.

Mental Prep

It’s extremely important to understand the psychology of resistance to severe, long term, indefinite pain/suffering that will continue the until the day a person dies or is healed by the grace of God . Cancer patients are lucky, they get an end date. A cancer patient knows that by a certain date, generally, it ends one way or another. Not so with Lupus. Lupus can go on and on and on so a person’s resilience must go on and on and on. Resilience becomes an emotional vector. When resilience becomes resolute you open a path to contact with the Holy Spirit.

If you understand this then you can rather easily replicate what I do except in your own way and without the pain/suffering. Then you can prove it to yourself by trying it yourself.

In my family lupus kills. My cousin died from it. As I was struggling with how to deal with this new daily horror in my life I met someone who said that most long term Lupus patients say they wouldn’t trade the disease for what it brought them. How do people facing daily severe pain and highly uncertain futures come to appreciate what it brings them? The peace of mind comes from authenticity. Just as the disease shows you no mercy you respond in kind by showing no mercy to fakeness. You don’t think about life in 5 years. Usually you don’t think of life outside a 5 minute window. You have zero time for bull$hit and you let everybody know it. It’s literally the only way you can keep your sanity. And what it does is greatly increase your sanity as well as resilience. I’ll try to demonstrate with examples.

December 2012

This put me in a nursing home. My own personal wounded knee. That hurt. Bad. I

learned there was no way I would ever go to nursing home again. My medical directives said DNR, no interference except pain relief. No force feeding, starve me to death if I can’t eat. This set in motion my move to White Cloud, MI.

December (or so) 2013. Now living in White Cloud and immersing myself in working on a 1/4 mile by 1/2 mile strip of forest as my journey in authenticity. These X-rays are maybe 6-7 months before first contact. Most of the damage here happened in 18 months from onset of new symptoms


This is just skeletal evidence. I have hundreds, if not thousands, of pages of medical evidence charting the progression to there. The organ damage, vision impairment, had a PE/DVT, pleural effusions. I actually stopped sneezing due to severe chest pain from inflammation. It hurt so much to sneeze my body would shut them down.

I used to get chest lining inflammation that was so severe I would have to sit for hours taking teaspoon size breaths if I wanted to breathe at all. Anything larger and shooting pain would prevent me from breathing.

In White Cloud, researching the genetic origins of my disease I was focused about the timeframe of the US Civil War. My suspicion was this was when the disease took root in my DNA. I was wrong. My pain, and yours, all began when we left our first love, the Creator. It was cemented here on Earth by the murder of Christ. A murder we have yet to repent for.

What we seemingly have not understood all these years are there are very simple techniques taught by the early church to understand the real psychology of our existence, the traps that await us and the keys to escape them. But to prove these techniques a practitioner has to be 100% dedicated to a full and irrevocable return to the Holy Spirit.

Now, you cannot have a disease like Lupus and be a crybaby. So to my disease I would say you show no mercy to me I show no mercy to you. I lived to spite the pain. Refused to let it ruin my day. Refused to let it ruin my attitude. Refused to let it stop me. I did that by devoting my time, money and energy to changing soil conditions so more plants could grow. Creating conditions to allow the spirit of life to flow. I have a wheelchair but would walk on those broken bones (with shoe inserts) because I hated the useless wheelchair and the limitations it brought. All these refusals were just exercises in resilience building. I became immovable but still needed to understand resoluteness.

4/15/2014 On the day of tetrad blood moons, I published TLP on WordPress site thelupusproject. It was published about 10:30 or so in the morning. This was really a letter to my two sons explaining my rationale for doing what I was doing in White Cloud. A dying father giving the last bit of advice I could to my two sons. From my perspective my only job left in life was to not quit. No mercy. By mid afternoon contact began. I would die three times that day, while alive.

The healing in 2014 stopped at where my consciousness was fixated at the time – fixated on the wrong place and the wrong causes. From 2014 onward my consciousness shifted from the US Civil War to the days of the early Christian church, before the betrayal and attacks on Jesus’ message and teachings. That point in time is the target of my present Ghost Dance. If it took no mercy before, it would take 10,000X more of no mercy to be ready for the next time. So I normalized no mercy and applied it to deception. it’s really just a simple change of perspective, changing scale and shifting the target. Apply the techniques learned from the first seven years. Finish the journey to resoluteness.

2014 had two more sets of contacts. One reassuring cluster I haven’t spoken of that happened during mid summer when I was being heavily pressured to be silent. The last being in September when I employed all techniques I learned to take these:

The psychology of opening yourself to contact with the Holy Spirit is no different than dealing with severe pain. It can be replicated without pain and suffering but what stays constant is no mercy to deception.

Through over 6 years of practice now the results have been phenomenal. I primarily think with my subconscious.. I don’t fear. I have no anxiety, no PTSD, no fear of death. And I have absolutely no use for deception of any kind.

What happened to me over the past six years, even with the medical community would make a far better comedy than a court fight. But those kidnappers and abusers will never apologize because their God is money. I was kidnapped, lied about, publicly ridiculed, forcibly drugged to the point of death by sadists who make small fortunes pretending to help the disabled.

In America, Christianity is now being framed as mental illness. They claim that’s not the case but it is. I told my kidnappers I would die before I lied – the key to having a functional Christian experience – they ridiculed me as “hyper-religious”. They ridiculed my vision of the cross – the same thing that carried me through seven years of suffering and which I had recently learned was an actual Christian practice was now being called a mental illness. Those people are as ignorant as they bigoted and they are dangerous and they have seen no sanctions for their behavior.

They say pray for your enemies and here is my prayer for those people. I pray you are all exposed, criminally charged and your license to practice permanently revoked. I pray you and the cancer that you bring to Earth are recognized as one of the roots of our present day evil that it truly is. Because you people who kidnapped me are not doctors and nurses. You are evil, vile people and you deserve all the Hell that comes your way because of what you chose to do and what you failed to atone for.

To God I offered my life in prayer for a permanent return of the baptisms of the Holy Spirit to Earth so that all who seek redemption may find it. So that this toxic divisiveness would end. So people find the peace they lost. It’s pretty much they focus of what I do now.

I’m not fully healed yet but I’m well on my way. What exactly happens from here I do not know, but I do know God will never betray me.

I answer questions on Quora.

More detail about the encounters are there. With that the journey continues.

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